blood and tears, they were here first

new poem dance!
and a poem i didn't write but someone amazing did...

i am driven
not single-minded, obsessive driven
not starving or throwing up driven
not stepping on the people that love me driven
i am a "giving up what's comfortable" driven
a pushing myself past tired driven
a never stop working to get there driven
a driven that's made me stronger

i actually really like the choreography that i put to this one too! i'll show ya if you ask because i'm proud of the work i do!

and this one's not mine...

dance with me...
feel my flesh and
smell my skin...not
through
the metal screen
but through
blood, bone, soul,
and spirit...
do you know me???

my eyes tell you
everything
but you choose
to just see me
through the
applause...

i am not my work...i
am merely a chosen
vessel...
i am...

dance with me
forever!

-mia michaels



<3

i need a winn dixie grocery bag full of money right now to the vip section

new poem! haha i'm not just in a wierd poem mood that's just what we're writing in dance class right now.
so for this assignment we had to write a poem about ourselves and choreograph to the poem and dance it while we recited our poems.
i ended up forgetting part of mine and freezing in the middle and while i was trying to recover everybody started clapping so i was just like ok then. i'm done. haha. it was a pretty great experience though.
here goes.

i am searching
i am searching for my place in the world
where do i fit?
i am searching for the beat to drive my song
i am a musician
i am searching to see where i will end up
where will these choices take me
i am searching to stay afloat
stressed and overwhelmed
i am seaching
i am searching to be as strong as i act
abandon my facade
i am searching for my eternal relationship
never close enough to God
i am searching to inspire someone
make an impact
i am searching to be the person i've always known i am
honestly myself
i am searching

haha so it was that one "i am searching" in the middle where i stopped dancing which sucks because i liked the stuff i had for the second half but whatever. haha if you wanna see my poem dance lemme know. and don't laugh ha.

:D

it's never as easy as we believe

you.
you always knew that perfect organization
for all those thoughts swirling in your head
mine just jumbled together
but you loved me
you loved me enough to hold my hand
through the jumble
through the pain
but mostly
through the time
and then again
from time to time
you look at me one more time
they say that sometimes a lifetime
can flash before your eyes
when your eyes meet mine
it's everything that we ever were
and everything we were supposed to be
you jumble my thoughts all over again
through the time
through the pain
but mostly
through the jumble
are you still holding my hand?

sorry guys. haha but for my dance class at school we keep a journal so i've been writing through some old stuff ya know so this was my subject for tonight and i think for the subject matter something other than my typical prose is way more appropriate and the theme of the class is pretty much finding other mediums of expression so hey give it a shot. but whatever that's what i've got.
oh ps. don't worry guys i'm good i swear haha sometimes i write really dramatic stuff and i think people worry. but trust me i'm good!

happy labor day.

10 feet under and upside down.

jesus, you make me feel like that.

how long have I

been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I'd see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and everything will be alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water

you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

everything's alright

your best friends are just strangers in bars

ohmigah. i love the maine. fo real.

haha ok so i found this and it's like gorgeous perfection.
lovelovelove.

The girl goes dancing there
On the leaf-sown, new-mown, smooth
Grass plot of the garden;
Escaped from bitter youth,
Escaped out of her crowd,
Or out of her black cloud.
Ah, dancer, ah, sweet dancer!

If strange men come from the house
To lead her away, do not say
That she is happy being crazy;
Lead them gently astray;
Let her finish her dance,
Let her finish her dance.
Ah, dancer, ah, sweet dancer!

very cool.

so listen to the maine.
and read that cool poem.
and check this sweet tat!
haha...

psh just keep telling me about gorgeous...fo real.

:D

if the fish swam out of the ocean

update:
today i feel better.
i don't know what it was. but i like it.
haha.
i'm so like happy and over stuff. i smile. by myself.
big deal.
:D

yeah so thanks for everyone being concerned and wondering what was up.
drama happened.
i spilled it.
it's over.
i'm good.
:D

ok so...in other news!

i went to church today. except today was different. it was the first sunday of the month so they do teen service like they used to do all the time. and i loved it again. i didn't sleep through it. i was shocked when rachel pulled out her phone and showed me the time. i didn't want it to end. i loved it again. fun stuff.
yay jesus.
haven't said that one in a while.
wow.

so i'm looking for something to do with my best friend now. because i love her. and she feeds me excessive amounts of magical foods that make me feel good.

ohhhh happy day.

:D

however invincible you imagine yourself to be you are wrong

some stupid kid just hit me. and my car. and she called my car stupid. and then she squirted me with water.
i hate that kid.
i don't even know that stupid kid.
uggggh.

i just got off work and it was dumb. like seriously pointless. except that i actually got tips. which is like a huge deal where i work because we don't do jack. ever. for real.

but then i went to deposit my check from my last week and a half of pointless work but it wouldn't except my check. stupid bank. i'm gonna load that stupid child up in my car to go hit that bank too. stupid kid. stupid bank.

anyway.

so given the side of town i was on i...uh...made a pit stop of sorts. whatever. i'm such a stupid girl. like seriously. ugh.
i don't know i guess i'm just dumb and i see things the way i want to see them and i obviously got way more into things and everything was just one sided or whatever. maybe i am just supid and deserved to get hit with that stick and called stupid. stupid kid.

and i don't know how to feel. am i mad? should i be mad? do i think he's just covering? for what? his expanse of manly emotions. yeah right. or am i just sad? sad as i've been since i found out. on the phone. stupid stupid stupid.

i feel stupid.

and i don't know how to feel.

perhaps i should reserve judgement for this evening.
but that leaves a whole day for me to just feel stupid.
and make my family think i'm feeling ten feet tall...

stupid.

as far as you know i might be better off alone

...but i don't believe it.

this sucks.
the end.
actually not.
that's really all i want to post for the world to see but on the other hand i completely just want to like spill my life and my drama and my absolute proof that i am still and teenager and in high school no matter how i try to be above all those fickle things.
this sucks.
i'm crying and it's like actually validated. rare.
except that i feel totally dorky and lame that i'm crying.
but this really sucks.
this was not supposed to end like this. we were supposed to have opportunity to make it work. this isn't fair. we were good. we deserved a shot. we were supposed to jump fences and feel infinite and we were supposed to watch garden state and we were supposed to play scattergories and we were supposed to try really hard to find winter constellations in the summer sky and we're supposed to work.
this isn't fair.
this sucks.

i just feel kinda empty.




sorry for being so dramatic.
i won't mean a word of it in the morning.
that's how it works right.....

i'm living, i'm learning, i'm hurting, i'm thinking all the time

i love when conclusions just like totally work. ahhhhhh.
haha so like the ending of my day was pretty great.
yesterday...not so much.
ew it like totally had potential but just didn't follow through.
you don't know it's your fault but you totally suck and i need you to grow up.
but whatever.

so i was inspired by an amazing friend of mine to just kinda read through old blogs and stuff and i'm sure it'd be fun but i think this thingy here is just to new and whatnot to be cool but i read through old ones i posted on myspace. the ones where you write to people but don't say who are like totally my favorite! and one reason they're my favorite is this...

"i love you. i love you more than you will ever know. remember that. remember i'm your one and only. remember you're a dancer - and you always will be. how could you not? you're my other self. remember you are the most amazing, incredible friend anyone could want. you give me so much. you have held me in so many ways. you never even knew it."
i snuck into the library for that....

perfection.
she knows who she is.
and you all know you're totally jealous of us.
:D

i totally want to write something like completely inspired and amazing right here right now in this little white box but i've got nothing...i hate that.

ok so the other day i was trying to consider a story of my own experience. kinda searching for a muse if you will. so one song lead to another and one memory led to another and i ended up listening to about rain on repeat and reading journals from eighth grade. oh that silly boy. so yeah that was just like crazy. i kinda love reminiscing like that but then again i kinda hate it because you think about that kid from way back when and parts of me like totally yearn to be her again and parts of me realize that i've grown up since then and that's a good thing and i think a severe improvement on lindsey as a person would be a nice culmination of eighth grade lindsey and present day rising senior about to about to enter the world lindsey. scary.
but i did end up writing a little note to future lindsey in there. just generically entering my thoughts as i did in the eighth grade. just so i would know and be able to remember and appreciate who this lindsey is. or was.


"i did no pull this glorious book from it's dustyplae on the shelf with an intention of committing my thoughts to its pages once again. no, tonight i was dancing. i stretched. i worked out. and then i begain searching to find the song perfect for my first attempts at truely expressive dancing. then i realized why the dancing wasn't there but there were so many songs. i needed a story. i needed to actually be expressing something so it would be easiest if i found a song that meant somthing to me and use that story or experience or what have you. i came first to " about rain" by sequoyah prep school.
william kincaid.
so i was laying in my floor trying to relive those years and i saw his eighth grade journal which eventually led to mine which led to less and less dancing but maybe i've started a project for myself.
so i'm a senior now. i have one more year of high school.i'm scared to death.i want to go to nyu more than a lot of other things but it would be nice to be a mere thirty minutes away from my best friend. my lifeline. and charleston's a good school with and dance program and anything else that i could do for the rest of my life and in-state tuition and lottery money scholarships. but it's new york... and what's more is i have no clue what i want to do with my life. i would love to be a choreographer but that's like completely ridiculous of me. like that's just foolish. or maybe a writer...same problem.
i love this journal. i miss it. just watching me hanging to by inches to towering over the rest of the world and everything in between. all the amazing quotes and prompts and some interesting and mature and eloquent responses that i've had.

inspiration."

so there.
haha if i can't find something inspired and fabulous to write tonight i'll just type up something i wrote when i was feeling inspired.
so there.

g'night.

cause you're not impressed but you're so polite

i have absolutely nothing to say.
no kidding.
i'm just bored and don't have anything to do and it's like 9 o'clock so...
yeah.
i didn't putty my hair today. just sorta straightened it and left.
it was kinda liberating to barely do anything to it and still be able to be seen in public.
ok so i was hoping that maybe something would kinda blossom out of rambling but i guess i just like really don't have anything to say...
oh wait! funny story...
i saw a woman buy a douche in the dollar tree today! i bought a jump rope that looks like a cow. :D

i can't believe i didn't say this sooooooooner.

so i'm at the beach.
yay.
but i leave tomorrow.
boo.
i think...
i think i hate home but i might be ready to get back there. not really ready to get home as in to my house but more like friends and movies and sleepovers and pools and dancing (oh god i miss dancing...) and stuff. so there's that.

i miss all of you.
see you soon.

you're a pretty color.

tonight i sat in the park. illegally.
tonight i went to the stadium. illegally.
at the stadium i stood on the field and looked at every inch of grass and and cold metal bleacher and remembered exactly where the podium went. and where the guard used to leave their flag bags. and where the floor went. and where i went. everywhere. where my memories lay just below the surface of what everyone else that looks at that field sees. i felt infinite. i had no end. no physical boundaries. i was infinite.
i made the right decision. i know it will be hard. it already has been. but it was right.
for the first time in a few days i feel ok again.
i hope it lasts.

days go by and still i think of you...

1:you rebound so much quicker than i know you want to. that's love. and it's so much more than i deserve. and i try to give it back. and no matter what i do to mess things up i know you know that. but just in case i ever mess things up really bad...I LOVE YOU.

2:ew like seriously get the crap off me. i know you think it's like your job and stuff to be like that but c'mon. let me breathe. you suck.

3:i don't want to be like you but i'm totally jealous of you. like it's bad. i want to be you. and i want to do everything i can to be so not you. and i keep telling myself that ya know like when you go off to college you can like start over and reinvent yourself and stuff and that i'll be more like you. but like a selective form of you. like me and you. it won't happen. don't worry.

4:i heard a song today. i thought of you. i messed with my new zune today. i thought of you. i breathed really deep and remembered that i'm still a bit sick. i thought of you. i closed my eyes. i thought of you. where's this coming from?

5:quit being stupid. you're being like dumb. i don't actually care in the long run. like seriously, i've lost no sleep. nor will i. i'm just saying. it's childish. let's talk.

6:butchyeah...i don't know about you these days haha. and i don't even know what connotation that was supposed to have. whatever. i love you.


i think that's all.
and i think i'm better.
one more doctor visit tomorrow and then school!
♥

and just walk away.

yeah my big plans of vitamin d and hanging out with friends never actually happened.
i felt like garbage again yesterday.
i hate this.

and even if i do ever get better (i've given up being optimistic about anything for the time being...) it won't matter because i don't have a car because my sister is taking it to clemson for the week. yeah. she'll be back in a week. i've put the last forty dollars worth of gas in that stupid car that she automatically gets whenever she needs it and i can have it if she's not using it. fair? i mean at least i have half a car and blah blah blah but don't judge me because i whine.

gosh i hate being sick. i just sleep. like all the time. i wake up occasionally to medicate. then sleep more. because at least i don't feel so crummy when i'm asleep. i don't really feel. that's ok. i don't know what i'm supposed to do about school at this point either. as much as i've given up on school already i do still have two exams. and i'll be back at the doctor on monday. and if my blood is still like unhealthy and stuff she's sending me to a "specialist". of what i'm not sure.
i'm just ready to be on the other side of this.

i might just go back to sleep.

rest your soul now

cause music saves your life

ya know i'm not quite as in love with music as i used to be but i heard this line in a gorgeous song and realized what truth it holds.

i know that doing the right thing isn't always easy. and it doesn't always feel that great. more often than not it may feel like it's harder to do the right thing.

i quit band this year.
i will never again march on a field to a drum tap or a drum major. it hurts. but it's liberating. i have two options for thinking about this. it can be like getting out an abusive relationship. it feels comfortable and normal so it hurts to get out of but then you realize how much better you are after it's over. or it's like doing drugs. the high feels amazing but it's a huge mistake. i'm gonna lean on the former for my own sanity.
i'm comfy with my decision.
i will dance.

i hate being sick. i miss stuff. i feel left out.
don't judge me. don't act like i'm faking crap. i'm not looking for attention. get over yourself.

i'm going to bed.
i intend to blister my skin under the sun's harmful rays tomorrow. then go watch the latin dance video. should be fun.
♥

countdown get a little crazy now

i'm supergirl

1:stop it. stop like smiling all huge and toothy and stuff haha because i so don't think it's cute and i know that in the back of my mind that's a lie. not that i like you or anything because i so don't. it's just cute. and i don't mind flirting. but lately i just can't be friends with a guy and i think i'm stupid for that but you just smile like all the time. stop it.

2:you're wierd. and i don't like you. you judge everybody. what gives you the right? you think i'm fat. and you have no clue what that does to me. you think it's just harmless little jokes right? that's what you think. you have no clue.

3:i'll miss you most. don't leave me. don't stop being the one that writes wang on stands and totally doesn't care about things you have more talent than i could grasp at....i love you. don't leave me.

4:don't hate me. i know you won't be outward about it to my face but i know you do. i feel like scum but i have to do this. i can't not do this because of you. and i have to do it. i don't know if you'll ever be there. it's an odd place and i wish i wasn't there. i wish i was always where i'd always pictured i'd be but you can't ever picture your life twisting the way it will. please trust that i know what i'm doing.

5:you're not nearly as beautiful as you used to be. i don't even know who you are anymore. i think you like it that way. that sucks. you've started doing that scoffy thing at me. and you don't dance. whatever.

i think that's all.
lovelovelove!

i fell asleep in a horrible state.

there are no words for this day.
only tears.
there are tears.

maybe things will get better or change with the weather

i think topsy-turvy is the word i'm looking for.
just that everything you do something changes and you sorta get used to but then you step back and you realize that you don't remember which way is up.
it feels more and more like summer with every second. and i guess because we are creatures of habit, i have fallen back into that stupid spring-time almost no more school trap. and i hate it. or maybe i just wish i hated it. and honestly i'm pretty confident that the latter hold more merit. so for the moment i'm embracing it and listening to sequoyah prep school. i can be quite the masochist now can't i...

i have to go to work in three hours. and i have to take a stupid test on the stupid menu. maybe i'll just fail. it's a thought. but i couldn't let myself. i'm such a sucker sometimes.

lately i have found that with both feet on the ground i'm still losing my mind at least one day at a time.
(one day at a time - sequoyah prep school)

you were the best thing summer gave me

better than silence and no school

i'm done with all this.
i need something.
and that's frustrating because it's never easy to put your finger on.
so i just end up being stupid to try and make up for it.
and people just need to all mean what they say.
it's just too much to try and remember what it was you said and then try to decide if that's what you meant or that's all changed now.
it's not fair.

oh for the love of god...

g'night.
because i'm a grandma.

no, i'm not fit to wear that hat today

i took the SAT today.
well the subject tests.
that was pretty much a wake up call. two big tests on history and chemistry. kinda a foreshadowing for my week. i'm gonna do terribly.
but the sun is out.
and i think that's making it worse but it's just so magnificent.
it may be killing my work ethic but things might've been worse had the sun not come out soon.
i've been trying to look for the good in things.
generally there is some.
that's comforting.

i need one of those carefree picnic liberation days.
:D

i think i'm ok.

what a day to be alive

...
What a day to realize I'm not dead
What a day to save a dime
What a day to die trying

What a way to say good bye
What a wonderful life now
What a way to use your mind
What a day to say good night

"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life" (My life)

What a day to give a damn
What a day for "Gone with the Wind"
And what a day to start again
What a day to give up dry gin

"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"
"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"

Let it go
Let it go from here, I don't know
Let it go
Let it go from here, I don't know
Don't know

What a day to visit Seattle
What a day for San Francisco
What a day, holy Toldeo
What a day to get in the air and go
What a day to give up smoking
What a day to absorb
What a day to welcome a baby
And to begin breathing
(To begin breathing)


indeed, what a day to be alive.
what a great day.
i got to spend time with my best friend and we got to be each other again and it felt like summer and it all felt perfect and we took pictures and by we i mean she took pictures and i modeled but they came out amazing and looked so fierce! and just...
what a day to be alive!

and through your uneven footsteps you found tolerence

i just had a really fabulous discussion with my best friend.
that made me really happy because even though we see each other all the time and talk all the time that hasn't happened in quite some time. i know we always miss it when it isn't happening but it's no one's fault. we appreciate it more. and we have more to say. it's just good.
we sat outside and listened to music and just talked.
all those little things that've been on our minds and we've wanted to say but it hasn't been the time or place to say all come out. the things that are hard to share or whatever. it's all just out.
it makes me feel healthy.
like just maybe i'm gonna make it out alive.
and that's reassuring.
because lately i've been questioning that. i needed this.

i got my license today.
:D

i'm gonna be ok.
we all are.

i want a girl with shoes that cut and eyes that burn like cigarettes

do you ever just feel invincible?

i climb, i slip, i fall

what is happening. you know i can't do this without you. stop pushing me away. i need you. just stop. leave things where they are. let's just all be friends because i can't take it anymore. you're as bad as her. i miss you. i miss us. and talk to me. how many times have we gotten in fights because i didn't tell you something. so just talk to me. i want you to be happy. i don't want to hold you back from a single thing. because you're gorgeous and you're amazing and you're talented. because you deserve it.
stop forgetting about me.
remember me.
remember that pile of dirt in my backyard.
it's still there.
and i still love you.
love me.

love is thick like blood, like honey

i just found something that i snuck into the library for last year.

"i love you. i love you more than you will ever know. remember that. remember i'm your one and only. remember you're a dancer - and you always will be. how could you not? you're my other self. remember you are the most amazing, incredible friend anyone could want. you give me so much. you have held me in so many ways. you never even knew it."

it's a quote from a book. my favorite of all the books ever written. it's the best one. and i found it and read it. and here is this quote.

it's called "a time for dancing" by davida wills hurwin.

i'm gonna give stuff away but read it anyway because it's worth it. and i can't possible convey the emotion and the perfection of the eloquence captured in that book in my simple summary.

so in the book these two girls are absolute best friends and they've been attached at the hip since they were kids and they both dance together and they love it and are so passionate. it's gorgeous. but then one of them gets cancer and has to go through chemo and stop dancing and her best friend has to deal with life without her for the first time because i mean she's there but she isn't there ya know so then at the end of the book the girl with cancer dies but she leaves a cassette tape for her best friend where she recorded herself saying all the things her other half would need to hear after she was gone. this quote was a part of that recording.
beauty.

this quote made me think about kayla.

i've been thinking about kayla a lot lately. i don't really know where it came from but one day i just got kinda hit in the face with this overwhelming thought of her. the summer before we started seventh grade she fell and broke her arm and it just wouldn't get better. the doctors said she had cancer. it was in her bones. the worst. she did the chemo thing and held on for a while but one day that february, april wasn't at school. somehow i knew. i didn't wanna believe it though so i just went through like i did suspect anything at all. april was probably just sick. people get sick. boy do they get sick. well that one day in february happened to be a wednesday. that wednesday i went to small groups with the people that i was most open with. after we prayed and everyone left, i lingered for a while. i waited until stacy kirkland was all mine. i couldn't bear to hand over my most vunerable and awkward time to more than just her. she saw that i'd stayed and asked what was up. i told her that i needed her to pray for me and with me and just be with me and let me talk or not talk. i just needed her right then. she told me i'd come to the right person because she couldn't imagine it being possible for anyone to be more willing than herself. so we sat on a couch and i told her that i thought my friend had died that day. she wrapped her arms around me for a moment then she took my hands and asked if i would pray with her right then. she offered to God all that was upon me at that moment. all that was upon her family and her friends. i could've prayed these very words to the same God we'd spoken to together that night, but i couldn't have really. i couldn't do it by myself. on the ride home, i got a phone call from april. i asked if she was sick. she said no. i asked if kayla was ok. then she told me that she'd died. it was just shaky silence. she told me details of the funeral and visitation. i half heartedly took them, trying to comprehend what had just happened. i suddenly had to deal with all that i'd been avoiding all day without her. i didn't cry for a while. i think i didn't fully understand what'd happened. and i guess in that sense understanding came and went for me. i would get really down and cry for a bit. then i would be ok and it would just be like acceptance. like i still knew it'd happened but i knew it was ok. then all of a sudden, it wouldn't be ok anymore. maybe the same thing just keeps happening but the length of time just kinda stretches out. maybe that's how it always happens.

so for a while i was just thinking about it. then sunday, the all state band played amazing grace. i didn't even like the arrangement of it but it's just that song i suppose. you could play it on a kazoo and it'd make an impact on somebody. and they made an impact. in that hot balcony listening to all the musicians who are so passionate about what they were on that stage doing that i could barely remember what it felt like, i just succombed to the music and the moment and the memory.
beauty.

the fool, the drunk, the child, and his wife

we are here to make you feel
it terrifies you, but it's real

one.
i love you.always.
two.
what are you trying to prove?
three.
because i'm selfish, and i miss you, i wish you weren't as happy as you are.
four.
i miss you and i love you.
five.
i don't like chocolate in my coffee. but let's hang out.
six.
i'm having difficulty getting you out of my head.
seven.
please just stop it.

to all those who truely keep me breathing.

this day's a spinning surface on a wheel.

today was one of those days that's not good for me.
i get distracted.
it's almost like i can't keep up with my own life if i'm not doing about four things in each single moment. and today i just acted like a normal person for the most part. i just kinda floated through my day and functioned. that's just not a good idea.
but we rehearsed afterschool until we had to go to that ridiculous meeting. ew. but we worked individuals and stuff until five when we started working club stuff for tomorrow night. and individual stuff was not productive at all. i did a little choreographing with the group techno salsa thing that we're doing and tina helped and alex and lakis didn't get a lot done and lakis and steadman did some stuff with their individual dance. it's wierd. it's this brazillian fight dance thing. kinda strange but it's what they're good at so as long as it's latin...well let them eat cake. and apparently romero said that our reggaeton is too hip hop and not reggaeton at all and that he can't tell that our cumbia is a cumbia. i want to scream. the first allegation is true. the second makes me want to absolutely die of barfness. seriously. i'm not sure exactly what he's expecting but we're completely doing his job for him as far as latin dance goes so i don't see where he has the place. ew. so anyway. then we worked club stuff and it was rough. barna and tina didn't even get to salsa so that's just gonna be with two couples and the samba will have three but it's pretty much better off with two because it really doesn't look good. and i'm a terrible teacher so it was kinda frustrating. maybe it'll sink in by tomorrow night. maybe.
and alejo has the tonselitis. ew.
i think that really sucks for him.

but it's ten thirty and i haven't touched my dbq since that dumb meeting where i sat in gum. punks.
so it wasn't a good day for me. in the grand scheme of things.
but occasionally i live in this one little part of the scheme. and those days are good. they remind me that the scheme has purpose but it is so much less than what i'm living right now. it makes it very tempting to do it again tomorrow.
but i just don't have the strength to let myself be that free. i am slave to the scheme.

everyone go listen to some imogen heap.
your day will improve drastically.
even if there isn't a lot of it left.

from somewhere deep inside me i have love.

all my complaints shrink to nothing

i am so sick.
but i am getting better physically.
i'm just sick of my break in routine.
i mean yeah i get stressed at school and all that and i really do hate school these days but it's like i hate it but right now that's my responsibility. it's what i have that i have to do. and right now i can't and i hate just like sitting at home getting farther and farther behind. i just keep sitting and listening to music and staring at chemistry stuff and eventually i'll realize that i've stopped staring at it so i'll be like "ok get focused you have to learn this crap" and go back to staring. then i'll fall asleep. i'm gonna like choke on a cough drop or something. so far as i know when i go back i will have a grand collective of seven quizzes/tests to make up. and i don't feel particualarly prepared for any of them. and every once in a while when my advil kicks in i start feeling decent and i'll think to myself "well if i'm here, not at school, i might as well be doing productive things. i'll work on a dance." that never works. it's just not a great idea.
and i haven't talked to like anyone. it's driving me nuts. i want to like die for lack of social interaction.
i think i've watched like every episode of project runway from this whole season about twelve times.
all of you are just going to have to get sick for me because if i stay at this house one more day, self mutilation is in my future.

ugh.

f the flu.

trying to keep a level head.

i don't understand how so much is happening at one time. at what point does it just get to be too much for the universe to contain. when are too many events occuring all in the same moment?

i think that's where i am.
i just wish the universe would realize that and back me up a little, ya know?

and it's not just all the physical whatever. yeah, that sucks but i can deal with it. i always do. i carry on. i can organize performances and set up field trips and set up and run rehearsals and stay up until all hours of the morning choreographing and fix stuff that looked like crap becasue i choreographed it under the same conditions for my senior project, and still keep up with my classes (which i'm not currently "keeping up with" to be honest), and rehearse with guard and learn my music and because i suck and "i don't deserve to go to carnegie hall". it's all physical. the part that really sucks is that on top of all that i can't seem to get my head straight. i make poor decisions, i keep thinking on one such particular subject that i can't seem to avoid, and that gets me wondering if it's such a bad subject after all, then i realize how often i set myself up to get hurt like that, so there's another such particular subject that i think i think of higher than reality would prove accurate, also setting myself up for devastation. and i tend to overanalyze my entire world. it doesn't help at all.

all at once.
i need something. i'm sure what.
maybe a particular subject.
surely not. that would make me think more.
feel more.
i'm avoiding that these days.

i press on.

you sing to my soul oh you break me oh you break me.

oooooooooooooooooooooo.
oh.
what a weekend.
and it's not over.
i'm smiling.

oddly enough i guess for one reason it's just that i'm not strong enough not to smile about it but that's wierd and complicated and smiling is this strange newness for me lately so i'm just gonna ignore that (however foolish it may be) and enjoy this springyness. oh.

so on to less cryptic matters.
we had a competition on saturday and all three groups got first place. so yay! i love performing. i can't say i love guard girls to death but the bus rides were fabulous. we made noise and tried not to laugh during the five minutes of silence that we enforce like it were the law during band season. and we screamed. and we danced like black people. and we squirted squeezy cheese on people. and we made lots of noise and then swore we'd just woken up. and courtney gave me alleve against her own judgement thinking i would die after taking four. haha. i swear those percussion kids are my salvation! especially since mr pace isn't there to play history trivia flashcards with us when we really just want to go to sleep but we'll give him that luxury because he's just as out of place as we were. more so. ok well maybe not because half the time i didn't even have my spencer with me so it was just like us. against the world. or at least the colorguard. same thing i guess.

it's all the same i suppose.

all in all,
i'm refreshed.
even if it is against my own best judgement.
it worked for courtney.
so there's hope.

me with my lemon ice with strawberries and her with her brownie frappe.

i don't actually have anything to say. surely i have many things to dance or sing or play but none that i can seem to compose into text. i have so much that i want to say. and i've started. i know it's going to take time but it also needs to be done quickly before it evaporates. a connundrum. i'm not sure i can do it right now though. maybe that's ok. but maybe not. with so much expression needing to happen why can't i write? maybe if i listened to happier music i wouldn't feel so obligated to be deep in thought and feel all afflicted with emotion and other such depressing things but right now all the depressing music just seems so appropriate. maybe it's just that folksy acoustic depression that keeps me going from day to day and maybe i'm not ok with that all the time but maybe i just get distracted on all the other days. i get too busy during the summer cleaning incessantly or doing laundry or reading out of order or other such menial tasks. i get too busy during school with band all the time and dancing the rest of the time and still trying to keep up at least somewhat with my studies and other such important tasks all at once. and i suppose you can't get to be like this and wind up in such a state without having doomed yourself to such an existance long before but it was not my design to end up like this. crying. sweating. bleeding. sore. sick. tired. this was never my intention.

i suppose the truth of the matter is that i just don't deal with things. something happens. i don't deal with it immediately. i just put it away and pretend like it doesn't affect me at all and i'm strong and i can move on but do not let me fool you. i really just hide it and then every once in a while i will pull out a little chunk of it and be terribly sad. like i create drama for myself. it's pathetic. then again, maybe not. maybe i just don't have the strengh to deal with things. i guess that is pathetic.

thank you for putting up with me.

so there's that.

i'm having a lot of trouble with words. saturday started something. and it didn't stop for a long time. and it hurt. and it felt good. and i loved it. and i wish it'd never ended. and i want to go sit on a pile of dirt with some music and a hoodie and maybe it'll just kinda pick up where it left off. it won't. i'm not saying it'll never happen again. but you just don't ask them to. they pick and choose. you don't get to choose the day your life changes forever. i guess i'm grateful for that. i wouldn't be able to choose. so i'm glad i didn't. but i'm even more glad that it happened.
my life changed.
and i wore the same pair of jeans for three days.

blame it on this southern weather.

i really needed a rehearsal today. obvious reasons. not so obvious ones too. we've got performances coming up and i so hate not being ready and i'm really worried about where we are. we're so behind. and dance makes me forget stuff. i know it hurts just as bad after practice when the world crashes down on you but still i'm such a weenie that every little bit helps. i love dancing. i stayed up until midnight last night finishing a dance because even though i was exhausted i knew that i didn't wanna have to stand up on that stage afterschool with nothing to teach. thanks so much. really i mean it.
eventually i'll get used to it.
i hope.

plucking petals.

starting a new blog got me exploring old ones. blogs are so awkward to start. so i went back to the original. xanga. i never deleted mine. it's still there. just sitting. all of my thoughts just kinda taking up space. i'd like to keep it that way.
but i started my xanga with a survey thing. don't judge me i was a fetus.
one part of the survey was listing eleven memories.
mine were:
running into a brick wall, being told kayla died, learning to play spoons, the summer pop died, the snow storm that one winter, my cruise, camp, meeting alex and playing in the dirt, my first day of middle school, that halloween party, and cleaning nana's attic with lauren and tori.
wow.
some of those things i didn't even remember until i read that. some of them don't mean a thing to me anymore. i guess things change before you even realize it. or want it.

so now that i guess the ice is broken.

i was thinking. i think i have reason enough that i should be happy.
i just forget that.
mostly because it's a hard thing to remember.

i suppose it's ok to forget sometimes. it's just getting back to the point where you can see throught the pain to remember again that's the trick.