me with my lemon ice with strawberries and her with her brownie frappe.

i don't actually have anything to say. surely i have many things to dance or sing or play but none that i can seem to compose into text. i have so much that i want to say. and i've started. i know it's going to take time but it also needs to be done quickly before it evaporates. a connundrum. i'm not sure i can do it right now though. maybe that's ok. but maybe not. with so much expression needing to happen why can't i write? maybe if i listened to happier music i wouldn't feel so obligated to be deep in thought and feel all afflicted with emotion and other such depressing things but right now all the depressing music just seems so appropriate. maybe it's just that folksy acoustic depression that keeps me going from day to day and maybe i'm not ok with that all the time but maybe i just get distracted on all the other days. i get too busy during the summer cleaning incessantly or doing laundry or reading out of order or other such menial tasks. i get too busy during school with band all the time and dancing the rest of the time and still trying to keep up at least somewhat with my studies and other such important tasks all at once. and i suppose you can't get to be like this and wind up in such a state without having doomed yourself to such an existance long before but it was not my design to end up like this. crying. sweating. bleeding. sore. sick. tired. this was never my intention.

i suppose the truth of the matter is that i just don't deal with things. something happens. i don't deal with it immediately. i just put it away and pretend like it doesn't affect me at all and i'm strong and i can move on but do not let me fool you. i really just hide it and then every once in a while i will pull out a little chunk of it and be terribly sad. like i create drama for myself. it's pathetic. then again, maybe not. maybe i just don't have the strengh to deal with things. i guess that is pathetic.

thank you for putting up with me.

so there's that.

i'm having a lot of trouble with words. saturday started something. and it didn't stop for a long time. and it hurt. and it felt good. and i loved it. and i wish it'd never ended. and i want to go sit on a pile of dirt with some music and a hoodie and maybe it'll just kinda pick up where it left off. it won't. i'm not saying it'll never happen again. but you just don't ask them to. they pick and choose. you don't get to choose the day your life changes forever. i guess i'm grateful for that. i wouldn't be able to choose. so i'm glad i didn't. but i'm even more glad that it happened.
my life changed.
and i wore the same pair of jeans for three days.