you're a pretty color.

tonight i sat in the park. illegally.
tonight i went to the stadium. illegally.
at the stadium i stood on the field and looked at every inch of grass and and cold metal bleacher and remembered exactly where the podium went. and where the guard used to leave their flag bags. and where the floor went. and where i went. everywhere. where my memories lay just below the surface of what everyone else that looks at that field sees. i felt infinite. i had no end. no physical boundaries. i was infinite.
i made the right decision. i know it will be hard. it already has been. but it was right.
for the first time in a few days i feel ok again.
i hope it lasts.

days go by and still i think of you...

1:you rebound so much quicker than i know you want to. that's love. and it's so much more than i deserve. and i try to give it back. and no matter what i do to mess things up i know you know that. but just in case i ever mess things up really bad...I LOVE YOU.

2:ew like seriously get the crap off me. i know you think it's like your job and stuff to be like that but c'mon. let me breathe. you suck.

3:i don't want to be like you but i'm totally jealous of you. like it's bad. i want to be you. and i want to do everything i can to be so not you. and i keep telling myself that ya know like when you go off to college you can like start over and reinvent yourself and stuff and that i'll be more like you. but like a selective form of you. like me and you. it won't happen. don't worry.

4:i heard a song today. i thought of you. i messed with my new zune today. i thought of you. i breathed really deep and remembered that i'm still a bit sick. i thought of you. i closed my eyes. i thought of you. where's this coming from?

5:quit being stupid. you're being like dumb. i don't actually care in the long run. like seriously, i've lost no sleep. nor will i. i'm just saying. it's childish. let's talk.

6:butchyeah...i don't know about you these days haha. and i don't even know what connotation that was supposed to have. whatever. i love you.


i think that's all.
and i think i'm better.
one more doctor visit tomorrow and then school!
♥

and just walk away.

yeah my big plans of vitamin d and hanging out with friends never actually happened.
i felt like garbage again yesterday.
i hate this.

and even if i do ever get better (i've given up being optimistic about anything for the time being...) it won't matter because i don't have a car because my sister is taking it to clemson for the week. yeah. she'll be back in a week. i've put the last forty dollars worth of gas in that stupid car that she automatically gets whenever she needs it and i can have it if she's not using it. fair? i mean at least i have half a car and blah blah blah but don't judge me because i whine.

gosh i hate being sick. i just sleep. like all the time. i wake up occasionally to medicate. then sleep more. because at least i don't feel so crummy when i'm asleep. i don't really feel. that's ok. i don't know what i'm supposed to do about school at this point either. as much as i've given up on school already i do still have two exams. and i'll be back at the doctor on monday. and if my blood is still like unhealthy and stuff she's sending me to a "specialist". of what i'm not sure.
i'm just ready to be on the other side of this.

i might just go back to sleep.

rest your soul now

cause music saves your life

ya know i'm not quite as in love with music as i used to be but i heard this line in a gorgeous song and realized what truth it holds.

i know that doing the right thing isn't always easy. and it doesn't always feel that great. more often than not it may feel like it's harder to do the right thing.

i quit band this year.
i will never again march on a field to a drum tap or a drum major. it hurts. but it's liberating. i have two options for thinking about this. it can be like getting out an abusive relationship. it feels comfortable and normal so it hurts to get out of but then you realize how much better you are after it's over. or it's like doing drugs. the high feels amazing but it's a huge mistake. i'm gonna lean on the former for my own sanity.
i'm comfy with my decision.
i will dance.

i hate being sick. i miss stuff. i feel left out.
don't judge me. don't act like i'm faking crap. i'm not looking for attention. get over yourself.

i'm going to bed.
i intend to blister my skin under the sun's harmful rays tomorrow. then go watch the latin dance video. should be fun.
♥

countdown get a little crazy now

i'm supergirl

1:stop it. stop like smiling all huge and toothy and stuff haha because i so don't think it's cute and i know that in the back of my mind that's a lie. not that i like you or anything because i so don't. it's just cute. and i don't mind flirting. but lately i just can't be friends with a guy and i think i'm stupid for that but you just smile like all the time. stop it.

2:you're wierd. and i don't like you. you judge everybody. what gives you the right? you think i'm fat. and you have no clue what that does to me. you think it's just harmless little jokes right? that's what you think. you have no clue.

3:i'll miss you most. don't leave me. don't stop being the one that writes wang on stands and totally doesn't care about things you have more talent than i could grasp at....i love you. don't leave me.

4:don't hate me. i know you won't be outward about it to my face but i know you do. i feel like scum but i have to do this. i can't not do this because of you. and i have to do it. i don't know if you'll ever be there. it's an odd place and i wish i wasn't there. i wish i was always where i'd always pictured i'd be but you can't ever picture your life twisting the way it will. please trust that i know what i'm doing.

5:you're not nearly as beautiful as you used to be. i don't even know who you are anymore. i think you like it that way. that sucks. you've started doing that scoffy thing at me. and you don't dance. whatever.

i think that's all.
lovelovelove!

i fell asleep in a horrible state.

there are no words for this day.
only tears.
there are tears.

maybe things will get better or change with the weather

i think topsy-turvy is the word i'm looking for.
just that everything you do something changes and you sorta get used to but then you step back and you realize that you don't remember which way is up.
it feels more and more like summer with every second. and i guess because we are creatures of habit, i have fallen back into that stupid spring-time almost no more school trap. and i hate it. or maybe i just wish i hated it. and honestly i'm pretty confident that the latter hold more merit. so for the moment i'm embracing it and listening to sequoyah prep school. i can be quite the masochist now can't i...

i have to go to work in three hours. and i have to take a stupid test on the stupid menu. maybe i'll just fail. it's a thought. but i couldn't let myself. i'm such a sucker sometimes.

lately i have found that with both feet on the ground i'm still losing my mind at least one day at a time.
(one day at a time - sequoyah prep school)