love is thick like blood, like honey

i just found something that i snuck into the library for last year.

"i love you. i love you more than you will ever know. remember that. remember i'm your one and only. remember you're a dancer - and you always will be. how could you not? you're my other self. remember you are the most amazing, incredible friend anyone could want. you give me so much. you have held me in so many ways. you never even knew it."

it's a quote from a book. my favorite of all the books ever written. it's the best one. and i found it and read it. and here is this quote.

it's called "a time for dancing" by davida wills hurwin.

i'm gonna give stuff away but read it anyway because it's worth it. and i can't possible convey the emotion and the perfection of the eloquence captured in that book in my simple summary.

so in the book these two girls are absolute best friends and they've been attached at the hip since they were kids and they both dance together and they love it and are so passionate. it's gorgeous. but then one of them gets cancer and has to go through chemo and stop dancing and her best friend has to deal with life without her for the first time because i mean she's there but she isn't there ya know so then at the end of the book the girl with cancer dies but she leaves a cassette tape for her best friend where she recorded herself saying all the things her other half would need to hear after she was gone. this quote was a part of that recording.
beauty.

this quote made me think about kayla.

i've been thinking about kayla a lot lately. i don't really know where it came from but one day i just got kinda hit in the face with this overwhelming thought of her. the summer before we started seventh grade she fell and broke her arm and it just wouldn't get better. the doctors said she had cancer. it was in her bones. the worst. she did the chemo thing and held on for a while but one day that february, april wasn't at school. somehow i knew. i didn't wanna believe it though so i just went through like i did suspect anything at all. april was probably just sick. people get sick. boy do they get sick. well that one day in february happened to be a wednesday. that wednesday i went to small groups with the people that i was most open with. after we prayed and everyone left, i lingered for a while. i waited until stacy kirkland was all mine. i couldn't bear to hand over my most vunerable and awkward time to more than just her. she saw that i'd stayed and asked what was up. i told her that i needed her to pray for me and with me and just be with me and let me talk or not talk. i just needed her right then. she told me i'd come to the right person because she couldn't imagine it being possible for anyone to be more willing than herself. so we sat on a couch and i told her that i thought my friend had died that day. she wrapped her arms around me for a moment then she took my hands and asked if i would pray with her right then. she offered to God all that was upon me at that moment. all that was upon her family and her friends. i could've prayed these very words to the same God we'd spoken to together that night, but i couldn't have really. i couldn't do it by myself. on the ride home, i got a phone call from april. i asked if she was sick. she said no. i asked if kayla was ok. then she told me that she'd died. it was just shaky silence. she told me details of the funeral and visitation. i half heartedly took them, trying to comprehend what had just happened. i suddenly had to deal with all that i'd been avoiding all day without her. i didn't cry for a while. i think i didn't fully understand what'd happened. and i guess in that sense understanding came and went for me. i would get really down and cry for a bit. then i would be ok and it would just be like acceptance. like i still knew it'd happened but i knew it was ok. then all of a sudden, it wouldn't be ok anymore. maybe the same thing just keeps happening but the length of time just kinda stretches out. maybe that's how it always happens.

so for a while i was just thinking about it. then sunday, the all state band played amazing grace. i didn't even like the arrangement of it but it's just that song i suppose. you could play it on a kazoo and it'd make an impact on somebody. and they made an impact. in that hot balcony listening to all the musicians who are so passionate about what they were on that stage doing that i could barely remember what it felt like, i just succombed to the music and the moment and the memory.
beauty.

the fool, the drunk, the child, and his wife

we are here to make you feel
it terrifies you, but it's real

one.
i love you.always.
two.
what are you trying to prove?
three.
because i'm selfish, and i miss you, i wish you weren't as happy as you are.
four.
i miss you and i love you.
five.
i don't like chocolate in my coffee. but let's hang out.
six.
i'm having difficulty getting you out of my head.
seven.
please just stop it.

to all those who truely keep me breathing.

this day's a spinning surface on a wheel.

today was one of those days that's not good for me.
i get distracted.
it's almost like i can't keep up with my own life if i'm not doing about four things in each single moment. and today i just acted like a normal person for the most part. i just kinda floated through my day and functioned. that's just not a good idea.
but we rehearsed afterschool until we had to go to that ridiculous meeting. ew. but we worked individuals and stuff until five when we started working club stuff for tomorrow night. and individual stuff was not productive at all. i did a little choreographing with the group techno salsa thing that we're doing and tina helped and alex and lakis didn't get a lot done and lakis and steadman did some stuff with their individual dance. it's wierd. it's this brazillian fight dance thing. kinda strange but it's what they're good at so as long as it's latin...well let them eat cake. and apparently romero said that our reggaeton is too hip hop and not reggaeton at all and that he can't tell that our cumbia is a cumbia. i want to scream. the first allegation is true. the second makes me want to absolutely die of barfness. seriously. i'm not sure exactly what he's expecting but we're completely doing his job for him as far as latin dance goes so i don't see where he has the place. ew. so anyway. then we worked club stuff and it was rough. barna and tina didn't even get to salsa so that's just gonna be with two couples and the samba will have three but it's pretty much better off with two because it really doesn't look good. and i'm a terrible teacher so it was kinda frustrating. maybe it'll sink in by tomorrow night. maybe.
and alejo has the tonselitis. ew.
i think that really sucks for him.

but it's ten thirty and i haven't touched my dbq since that dumb meeting where i sat in gum. punks.
so it wasn't a good day for me. in the grand scheme of things.
but occasionally i live in this one little part of the scheme. and those days are good. they remind me that the scheme has purpose but it is so much less than what i'm living right now. it makes it very tempting to do it again tomorrow.
but i just don't have the strength to let myself be that free. i am slave to the scheme.

everyone go listen to some imogen heap.
your day will improve drastically.
even if there isn't a lot of it left.

from somewhere deep inside me i have love.

all my complaints shrink to nothing

i am so sick.
but i am getting better physically.
i'm just sick of my break in routine.
i mean yeah i get stressed at school and all that and i really do hate school these days but it's like i hate it but right now that's my responsibility. it's what i have that i have to do. and right now i can't and i hate just like sitting at home getting farther and farther behind. i just keep sitting and listening to music and staring at chemistry stuff and eventually i'll realize that i've stopped staring at it so i'll be like "ok get focused you have to learn this crap" and go back to staring. then i'll fall asleep. i'm gonna like choke on a cough drop or something. so far as i know when i go back i will have a grand collective of seven quizzes/tests to make up. and i don't feel particualarly prepared for any of them. and every once in a while when my advil kicks in i start feeling decent and i'll think to myself "well if i'm here, not at school, i might as well be doing productive things. i'll work on a dance." that never works. it's just not a great idea.
and i haven't talked to like anyone. it's driving me nuts. i want to like die for lack of social interaction.
i think i've watched like every episode of project runway from this whole season about twelve times.
all of you are just going to have to get sick for me because if i stay at this house one more day, self mutilation is in my future.

ugh.

f the flu.

trying to keep a level head.

i don't understand how so much is happening at one time. at what point does it just get to be too much for the universe to contain. when are too many events occuring all in the same moment?

i think that's where i am.
i just wish the universe would realize that and back me up a little, ya know?

and it's not just all the physical whatever. yeah, that sucks but i can deal with it. i always do. i carry on. i can organize performances and set up field trips and set up and run rehearsals and stay up until all hours of the morning choreographing and fix stuff that looked like crap becasue i choreographed it under the same conditions for my senior project, and still keep up with my classes (which i'm not currently "keeping up with" to be honest), and rehearse with guard and learn my music and because i suck and "i don't deserve to go to carnegie hall". it's all physical. the part that really sucks is that on top of all that i can't seem to get my head straight. i make poor decisions, i keep thinking on one such particular subject that i can't seem to avoid, and that gets me wondering if it's such a bad subject after all, then i realize how often i set myself up to get hurt like that, so there's another such particular subject that i think i think of higher than reality would prove accurate, also setting myself up for devastation. and i tend to overanalyze my entire world. it doesn't help at all.

all at once.
i need something. i'm sure what.
maybe a particular subject.
surely not. that would make me think more.
feel more.
i'm avoiding that these days.

i press on.

you sing to my soul oh you break me oh you break me.

oooooooooooooooooooooo.
oh.
what a weekend.
and it's not over.
i'm smiling.

oddly enough i guess for one reason it's just that i'm not strong enough not to smile about it but that's wierd and complicated and smiling is this strange newness for me lately so i'm just gonna ignore that (however foolish it may be) and enjoy this springyness. oh.

so on to less cryptic matters.
we had a competition on saturday and all three groups got first place. so yay! i love performing. i can't say i love guard girls to death but the bus rides were fabulous. we made noise and tried not to laugh during the five minutes of silence that we enforce like it were the law during band season. and we screamed. and we danced like black people. and we squirted squeezy cheese on people. and we made lots of noise and then swore we'd just woken up. and courtney gave me alleve against her own judgement thinking i would die after taking four. haha. i swear those percussion kids are my salvation! especially since mr pace isn't there to play history trivia flashcards with us when we really just want to go to sleep but we'll give him that luxury because he's just as out of place as we were. more so. ok well maybe not because half the time i didn't even have my spencer with me so it was just like us. against the world. or at least the colorguard. same thing i guess.

it's all the same i suppose.

all in all,
i'm refreshed.
even if it is against my own best judgement.
it worked for courtney.
so there's hope.

me with my lemon ice with strawberries and her with her brownie frappe.

i don't actually have anything to say. surely i have many things to dance or sing or play but none that i can seem to compose into text. i have so much that i want to say. and i've started. i know it's going to take time but it also needs to be done quickly before it evaporates. a connundrum. i'm not sure i can do it right now though. maybe that's ok. but maybe not. with so much expression needing to happen why can't i write? maybe if i listened to happier music i wouldn't feel so obligated to be deep in thought and feel all afflicted with emotion and other such depressing things but right now all the depressing music just seems so appropriate. maybe it's just that folksy acoustic depression that keeps me going from day to day and maybe i'm not ok with that all the time but maybe i just get distracted on all the other days. i get too busy during the summer cleaning incessantly or doing laundry or reading out of order or other such menial tasks. i get too busy during school with band all the time and dancing the rest of the time and still trying to keep up at least somewhat with my studies and other such important tasks all at once. and i suppose you can't get to be like this and wind up in such a state without having doomed yourself to such an existance long before but it was not my design to end up like this. crying. sweating. bleeding. sore. sick. tired. this was never my intention.

i suppose the truth of the matter is that i just don't deal with things. something happens. i don't deal with it immediately. i just put it away and pretend like it doesn't affect me at all and i'm strong and i can move on but do not let me fool you. i really just hide it and then every once in a while i will pull out a little chunk of it and be terribly sad. like i create drama for myself. it's pathetic. then again, maybe not. maybe i just don't have the strengh to deal with things. i guess that is pathetic.

thank you for putting up with me.