this day's a spinning surface on a wheel.

today was one of those days that's not good for me.
i get distracted.
it's almost like i can't keep up with my own life if i'm not doing about four things in each single moment. and today i just acted like a normal person for the most part. i just kinda floated through my day and functioned. that's just not a good idea.
but we rehearsed afterschool until we had to go to that ridiculous meeting. ew. but we worked individuals and stuff until five when we started working club stuff for tomorrow night. and individual stuff was not productive at all. i did a little choreographing with the group techno salsa thing that we're doing and tina helped and alex and lakis didn't get a lot done and lakis and steadman did some stuff with their individual dance. it's wierd. it's this brazillian fight dance thing. kinda strange but it's what they're good at so as long as it's latin...well let them eat cake. and apparently romero said that our reggaeton is too hip hop and not reggaeton at all and that he can't tell that our cumbia is a cumbia. i want to scream. the first allegation is true. the second makes me want to absolutely die of barfness. seriously. i'm not sure exactly what he's expecting but we're completely doing his job for him as far as latin dance goes so i don't see where he has the place. ew. so anyway. then we worked club stuff and it was rough. barna and tina didn't even get to salsa so that's just gonna be with two couples and the samba will have three but it's pretty much better off with two because it really doesn't look good. and i'm a terrible teacher so it was kinda frustrating. maybe it'll sink in by tomorrow night. maybe.
and alejo has the tonselitis. ew.
i think that really sucks for him.

but it's ten thirty and i haven't touched my dbq since that dumb meeting where i sat in gum. punks.
so it wasn't a good day for me. in the grand scheme of things.
but occasionally i live in this one little part of the scheme. and those days are good. they remind me that the scheme has purpose but it is so much less than what i'm living right now. it makes it very tempting to do it again tomorrow.
but i just don't have the strength to let myself be that free. i am slave to the scheme.

everyone go listen to some imogen heap.
your day will improve drastically.
even if there isn't a lot of it left.

from somewhere deep inside me i have love.

all my complaints shrink to nothing

i am so sick.
but i am getting better physically.
i'm just sick of my break in routine.
i mean yeah i get stressed at school and all that and i really do hate school these days but it's like i hate it but right now that's my responsibility. it's what i have that i have to do. and right now i can't and i hate just like sitting at home getting farther and farther behind. i just keep sitting and listening to music and staring at chemistry stuff and eventually i'll realize that i've stopped staring at it so i'll be like "ok get focused you have to learn this crap" and go back to staring. then i'll fall asleep. i'm gonna like choke on a cough drop or something. so far as i know when i go back i will have a grand collective of seven quizzes/tests to make up. and i don't feel particualarly prepared for any of them. and every once in a while when my advil kicks in i start feeling decent and i'll think to myself "well if i'm here, not at school, i might as well be doing productive things. i'll work on a dance." that never works. it's just not a great idea.
and i haven't talked to like anyone. it's driving me nuts. i want to like die for lack of social interaction.
i think i've watched like every episode of project runway from this whole season about twelve times.
all of you are just going to have to get sick for me because if i stay at this house one more day, self mutilation is in my future.

ugh.

f the flu.

trying to keep a level head.

i don't understand how so much is happening at one time. at what point does it just get to be too much for the universe to contain. when are too many events occuring all in the same moment?

i think that's where i am.
i just wish the universe would realize that and back me up a little, ya know?

and it's not just all the physical whatever. yeah, that sucks but i can deal with it. i always do. i carry on. i can organize performances and set up field trips and set up and run rehearsals and stay up until all hours of the morning choreographing and fix stuff that looked like crap becasue i choreographed it under the same conditions for my senior project, and still keep up with my classes (which i'm not currently "keeping up with" to be honest), and rehearse with guard and learn my music and because i suck and "i don't deserve to go to carnegie hall". it's all physical. the part that really sucks is that on top of all that i can't seem to get my head straight. i make poor decisions, i keep thinking on one such particular subject that i can't seem to avoid, and that gets me wondering if it's such a bad subject after all, then i realize how often i set myself up to get hurt like that, so there's another such particular subject that i think i think of higher than reality would prove accurate, also setting myself up for devastation. and i tend to overanalyze my entire world. it doesn't help at all.

all at once.
i need something. i'm sure what.
maybe a particular subject.
surely not. that would make me think more.
feel more.
i'm avoiding that these days.

i press on.

you sing to my soul oh you break me oh you break me.

oooooooooooooooooooooo.
oh.
what a weekend.
and it's not over.
i'm smiling.

oddly enough i guess for one reason it's just that i'm not strong enough not to smile about it but that's wierd and complicated and smiling is this strange newness for me lately so i'm just gonna ignore that (however foolish it may be) and enjoy this springyness. oh.

so on to less cryptic matters.
we had a competition on saturday and all three groups got first place. so yay! i love performing. i can't say i love guard girls to death but the bus rides were fabulous. we made noise and tried not to laugh during the five minutes of silence that we enforce like it were the law during band season. and we screamed. and we danced like black people. and we squirted squeezy cheese on people. and we made lots of noise and then swore we'd just woken up. and courtney gave me alleve against her own judgement thinking i would die after taking four. haha. i swear those percussion kids are my salvation! especially since mr pace isn't there to play history trivia flashcards with us when we really just want to go to sleep but we'll give him that luxury because he's just as out of place as we were. more so. ok well maybe not because half the time i didn't even have my spencer with me so it was just like us. against the world. or at least the colorguard. same thing i guess.

it's all the same i suppose.

all in all,
i'm refreshed.
even if it is against my own best judgement.
it worked for courtney.
so there's hope.

me with my lemon ice with strawberries and her with her brownie frappe.

i don't actually have anything to say. surely i have many things to dance or sing or play but none that i can seem to compose into text. i have so much that i want to say. and i've started. i know it's going to take time but it also needs to be done quickly before it evaporates. a connundrum. i'm not sure i can do it right now though. maybe that's ok. but maybe not. with so much expression needing to happen why can't i write? maybe if i listened to happier music i wouldn't feel so obligated to be deep in thought and feel all afflicted with emotion and other such depressing things but right now all the depressing music just seems so appropriate. maybe it's just that folksy acoustic depression that keeps me going from day to day and maybe i'm not ok with that all the time but maybe i just get distracted on all the other days. i get too busy during the summer cleaning incessantly or doing laundry or reading out of order or other such menial tasks. i get too busy during school with band all the time and dancing the rest of the time and still trying to keep up at least somewhat with my studies and other such important tasks all at once. and i suppose you can't get to be like this and wind up in such a state without having doomed yourself to such an existance long before but it was not my design to end up like this. crying. sweating. bleeding. sore. sick. tired. this was never my intention.

i suppose the truth of the matter is that i just don't deal with things. something happens. i don't deal with it immediately. i just put it away and pretend like it doesn't affect me at all and i'm strong and i can move on but do not let me fool you. i really just hide it and then every once in a while i will pull out a little chunk of it and be terribly sad. like i create drama for myself. it's pathetic. then again, maybe not. maybe i just don't have the strengh to deal with things. i guess that is pathetic.

thank you for putting up with me.

so there's that.

i'm having a lot of trouble with words. saturday started something. and it didn't stop for a long time. and it hurt. and it felt good. and i loved it. and i wish it'd never ended. and i want to go sit on a pile of dirt with some music and a hoodie and maybe it'll just kinda pick up where it left off. it won't. i'm not saying it'll never happen again. but you just don't ask them to. they pick and choose. you don't get to choose the day your life changes forever. i guess i'm grateful for that. i wouldn't be able to choose. so i'm glad i didn't. but i'm even more glad that it happened.
my life changed.
and i wore the same pair of jeans for three days.

blame it on this southern weather.

i really needed a rehearsal today. obvious reasons. not so obvious ones too. we've got performances coming up and i so hate not being ready and i'm really worried about where we are. we're so behind. and dance makes me forget stuff. i know it hurts just as bad after practice when the world crashes down on you but still i'm such a weenie that every little bit helps. i love dancing. i stayed up until midnight last night finishing a dance because even though i was exhausted i knew that i didn't wanna have to stand up on that stage afterschool with nothing to teach. thanks so much. really i mean it.
eventually i'll get used to it.
i hope.