if the fish swam out of the ocean

update:
today i feel better.
i don't know what it was. but i like it.
haha.
i'm so like happy and over stuff. i smile. by myself.
big deal.
:D

yeah so thanks for everyone being concerned and wondering what was up.
drama happened.
i spilled it.
it's over.
i'm good.
:D

ok so...in other news!

i went to church today. except today was different. it was the first sunday of the month so they do teen service like they used to do all the time. and i loved it again. i didn't sleep through it. i was shocked when rachel pulled out her phone and showed me the time. i didn't want it to end. i loved it again. fun stuff.
yay jesus.
haven't said that one in a while.
wow.

so i'm looking for something to do with my best friend now. because i love her. and she feeds me excessive amounts of magical foods that make me feel good.

ohhhh happy day.

:D

however invincible you imagine yourself to be you are wrong

some stupid kid just hit me. and my car. and she called my car stupid. and then she squirted me with water.
i hate that kid.
i don't even know that stupid kid.
uggggh.

i just got off work and it was dumb. like seriously pointless. except that i actually got tips. which is like a huge deal where i work because we don't do jack. ever. for real.

but then i went to deposit my check from my last week and a half of pointless work but it wouldn't except my check. stupid bank. i'm gonna load that stupid child up in my car to go hit that bank too. stupid kid. stupid bank.

anyway.

so given the side of town i was on i...uh...made a pit stop of sorts. whatever. i'm such a stupid girl. like seriously. ugh.
i don't know i guess i'm just dumb and i see things the way i want to see them and i obviously got way more into things and everything was just one sided or whatever. maybe i am just supid and deserved to get hit with that stick and called stupid. stupid kid.

and i don't know how to feel. am i mad? should i be mad? do i think he's just covering? for what? his expanse of manly emotions. yeah right. or am i just sad? sad as i've been since i found out. on the phone. stupid stupid stupid.

i feel stupid.

and i don't know how to feel.

perhaps i should reserve judgement for this evening.
but that leaves a whole day for me to just feel stupid.
and make my family think i'm feeling ten feet tall...

stupid.

as far as you know i might be better off alone

...but i don't believe it.

this sucks.
the end.
actually not.
that's really all i want to post for the world to see but on the other hand i completely just want to like spill my life and my drama and my absolute proof that i am still and teenager and in high school no matter how i try to be above all those fickle things.
this sucks.
i'm crying and it's like actually validated. rare.
except that i feel totally dorky and lame that i'm crying.
but this really sucks.
this was not supposed to end like this. we were supposed to have opportunity to make it work. this isn't fair. we were good. we deserved a shot. we were supposed to jump fences and feel infinite and we were supposed to watch garden state and we were supposed to play scattergories and we were supposed to try really hard to find winter constellations in the summer sky and we're supposed to work.
this isn't fair.
this sucks.

i just feel kinda empty.




sorry for being so dramatic.
i won't mean a word of it in the morning.
that's how it works right.....

i'm living, i'm learning, i'm hurting, i'm thinking all the time

i love when conclusions just like totally work. ahhhhhh.
haha so like the ending of my day was pretty great.
yesterday...not so much.
ew it like totally had potential but just didn't follow through.
you don't know it's your fault but you totally suck and i need you to grow up.
but whatever.

so i was inspired by an amazing friend of mine to just kinda read through old blogs and stuff and i'm sure it'd be fun but i think this thingy here is just to new and whatnot to be cool but i read through old ones i posted on myspace. the ones where you write to people but don't say who are like totally my favorite! and one reason they're my favorite is this...

"i love you. i love you more than you will ever know. remember that. remember i'm your one and only. remember you're a dancer - and you always will be. how could you not? you're my other self. remember you are the most amazing, incredible friend anyone could want. you give me so much. you have held me in so many ways. you never even knew it."
i snuck into the library for that....

perfection.
she knows who she is.
and you all know you're totally jealous of us.
:D

i totally want to write something like completely inspired and amazing right here right now in this little white box but i've got nothing...i hate that.

ok so the other day i was trying to consider a story of my own experience. kinda searching for a muse if you will. so one song lead to another and one memory led to another and i ended up listening to about rain on repeat and reading journals from eighth grade. oh that silly boy. so yeah that was just like crazy. i kinda love reminiscing like that but then again i kinda hate it because you think about that kid from way back when and parts of me like totally yearn to be her again and parts of me realize that i've grown up since then and that's a good thing and i think a severe improvement on lindsey as a person would be a nice culmination of eighth grade lindsey and present day rising senior about to about to enter the world lindsey. scary.
but i did end up writing a little note to future lindsey in there. just generically entering my thoughts as i did in the eighth grade. just so i would know and be able to remember and appreciate who this lindsey is. or was.


"i did no pull this glorious book from it's dustyplae on the shelf with an intention of committing my thoughts to its pages once again. no, tonight i was dancing. i stretched. i worked out. and then i begain searching to find the song perfect for my first attempts at truely expressive dancing. then i realized why the dancing wasn't there but there were so many songs. i needed a story. i needed to actually be expressing something so it would be easiest if i found a song that meant somthing to me and use that story or experience or what have you. i came first to " about rain" by sequoyah prep school.
william kincaid.
so i was laying in my floor trying to relive those years and i saw his eighth grade journal which eventually led to mine which led to less and less dancing but maybe i've started a project for myself.
so i'm a senior now. i have one more year of high school.i'm scared to death.i want to go to nyu more than a lot of other things but it would be nice to be a mere thirty minutes away from my best friend. my lifeline. and charleston's a good school with and dance program and anything else that i could do for the rest of my life and in-state tuition and lottery money scholarships. but it's new york... and what's more is i have no clue what i want to do with my life. i would love to be a choreographer but that's like completely ridiculous of me. like that's just foolish. or maybe a writer...same problem.
i love this journal. i miss it. just watching me hanging to by inches to towering over the rest of the world and everything in between. all the amazing quotes and prompts and some interesting and mature and eloquent responses that i've had.

inspiration."

so there.
haha if i can't find something inspired and fabulous to write tonight i'll just type up something i wrote when i was feeling inspired.
so there.

g'night.

cause you're not impressed but you're so polite

i have absolutely nothing to say.
no kidding.
i'm just bored and don't have anything to do and it's like 9 o'clock so...
yeah.
i didn't putty my hair today. just sorta straightened it and left.
it was kinda liberating to barely do anything to it and still be able to be seen in public.
ok so i was hoping that maybe something would kinda blossom out of rambling but i guess i just like really don't have anything to say...
oh wait! funny story...
i saw a woman buy a douche in the dollar tree today! i bought a jump rope that looks like a cow. :D

i can't believe i didn't say this sooooooooner.

so i'm at the beach.
yay.
but i leave tomorrow.
boo.
i think...
i think i hate home but i might be ready to get back there. not really ready to get home as in to my house but more like friends and movies and sleepovers and pools and dancing (oh god i miss dancing...) and stuff. so there's that.

i miss all of you.
see you soon.

you're a pretty color.

tonight i sat in the park. illegally.
tonight i went to the stadium. illegally.
at the stadium i stood on the field and looked at every inch of grass and and cold metal bleacher and remembered exactly where the podium went. and where the guard used to leave their flag bags. and where the floor went. and where i went. everywhere. where my memories lay just below the surface of what everyone else that looks at that field sees. i felt infinite. i had no end. no physical boundaries. i was infinite.
i made the right decision. i know it will be hard. it already has been. but it was right.
for the first time in a few days i feel ok again.
i hope it lasts.