i was the one who would always jump in first

"what makes carbon atoms form a benzene ring? proximity and valence electrons:

how appropriate right!
i think we're all just carbon atoms.
and we form a benzene rings within close proximity and some opportunity,
see the thing about valence electrons is it's like they always have to be in pairs i mean not always like it's possible for them to not be together but they just have this need to fulfill that they have a buddy there with them. so what about the ones that are all by their lonesome? well they find other compounds with electrons that are all on their lonesome and they like connect and the two that become each others's buddies like connect and form a bond that holds two totally different compounds together.
is that not like insane?
i mean i've been learning this crap forever so i don't know why it suddenly struck me...
but i think it's a pretty blatent metaphore for human nature and relationships and stuff ya know...
like single people just kinda floatin around lookin for a buddy and they can connect these two crazy different world because they fit perfectly right beside you like no matter how different that entire compound behind you can be, you fit.

so all we need is proximity and valence electrons.

your love is extravagant

so i had a fantastic night last night. fantastic.
it got me thinking...
a lot of the night was about honesty which i think is a crazy thing because it's so hard sometimes. like why is it just natural and easier to lie about some stuff? even to people you know will love you either way. even to yourself. like if you argue that it's for fear of rejection well ok then why is sometimes hard to admit things even to yourself? riddle me that...
your love is extravagant....
i mean if you think about that i think it's probably guilt or shame for whatever it was ya know that makes it hard to admit to yourself. so keep that in mind when you consider that god sees everything and knows what's going on and he loves you past all that crap and it's hard to get stuff out and admit it to him even though as soon as you ask him for forgiveness he just casts it away and is like i don't even know what you're talking about. all i see is my daughter.
so why's it so hard?
honesty.

freezing speech bubbles seem to hold your words aloft

so i'm home alone this weekend. usually it's home alone means me and lauren and whoever she may be dating at the time but she's off with "whoever she's dating" so home alone means at home. alone. by myself.
i'm really not the party type. i mean that's not to say that we didn't have a fun little slumber party last night but my parents knew and i'm not the type to do crap that my parents wouldn't be ok with anyway so there's that.
i think you probably get to know yourself better the more time you spend alone. not that i condone this for extended periods of time i'm just saying. i mean having to fill your time and deciding how to fill it i think is pretty indicitive of who you are. do you invite friends over all the time and have to be accompanied all the time? are you dependent on other people? do you listen to music that you know puts you in a lame mood and read by the fire? what does that say about you? i don't know but i think it says something.
another thing i've discovered is my connundrum with the lights. off? on? i don't know. i prefer the dark. most of the time i will turn the light off. but when there isn't a necessity for light and they're all off all of the time and the sun fades into the trees and all there is is the drowning darkness...should i flick on a lamp? it's strange because that darkness is always there. there's never enough light to make you comfy again but when suddenly there is, it's too much and you have to turn the light off. and one light in particular. the front porch light. why do i feel so much better when that light's on? i can't see it most of the time. if i go up the front stairs and pass the front door i notice the soft glow through the dirty sidelight glass but what comfort should that offer? why would i feel better?
my connundrum with the lights.

so whatever it may say about me, i'm going to sit by the fire and read and drink some coffee with the front porch light on.

blood and tears, they were here first

new poem dance!
and a poem i didn't write but someone amazing did...

i am driven
not single-minded, obsessive driven
not starving or throwing up driven
not stepping on the people that love me driven
i am a "giving up what's comfortable" driven
a pushing myself past tired driven
a never stop working to get there driven
a driven that's made me stronger

i actually really like the choreography that i put to this one too! i'll show ya if you ask because i'm proud of the work i do!

and this one's not mine...

dance with me...
feel my flesh and
smell my skin...not
through
the metal screen
but through
blood, bone, soul,
and spirit...
do you know me???

my eyes tell you
everything
but you choose
to just see me
through the
applause...

i am not my work...i
am merely a chosen
vessel...
i am...

dance with me
forever!

-mia michaels



<3

i need a winn dixie grocery bag full of money right now to the vip section

new poem! haha i'm not just in a wierd poem mood that's just what we're writing in dance class right now.
so for this assignment we had to write a poem about ourselves and choreograph to the poem and dance it while we recited our poems.
i ended up forgetting part of mine and freezing in the middle and while i was trying to recover everybody started clapping so i was just like ok then. i'm done. haha. it was a pretty great experience though.
here goes.

i am searching
i am searching for my place in the world
where do i fit?
i am searching for the beat to drive my song
i am a musician
i am searching to see where i will end up
where will these choices take me
i am searching to stay afloat
stressed and overwhelmed
i am seaching
i am searching to be as strong as i act
abandon my facade
i am searching for my eternal relationship
never close enough to God
i am searching to inspire someone
make an impact
i am searching to be the person i've always known i am
honestly myself
i am searching

haha so it was that one "i am searching" in the middle where i stopped dancing which sucks because i liked the stuff i had for the second half but whatever. haha if you wanna see my poem dance lemme know. and don't laugh ha.

:D

it's never as easy as we believe

you.
you always knew that perfect organization
for all those thoughts swirling in your head
mine just jumbled together
but you loved me
you loved me enough to hold my hand
through the jumble
through the pain
but mostly
through the time
and then again
from time to time
you look at me one more time
they say that sometimes a lifetime
can flash before your eyes
when your eyes meet mine
it's everything that we ever were
and everything we were supposed to be
you jumble my thoughts all over again
through the time
through the pain
but mostly
through the jumble
are you still holding my hand?

sorry guys. haha but for my dance class at school we keep a journal so i've been writing through some old stuff ya know so this was my subject for tonight and i think for the subject matter something other than my typical prose is way more appropriate and the theme of the class is pretty much finding other mediums of expression so hey give it a shot. but whatever that's what i've got.
oh ps. don't worry guys i'm good i swear haha sometimes i write really dramatic stuff and i think people worry. but trust me i'm good!

happy labor day.

10 feet under and upside down.

jesus, you make me feel like that.

how long have I

been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I'd see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and everything will be alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water

you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

everything's alright

your best friends are just strangers in bars

ohmigah. i love the maine. fo real.

haha ok so i found this and it's like gorgeous perfection.
lovelovelove.

The girl goes dancing there
On the leaf-sown, new-mown, smooth
Grass plot of the garden;
Escaped from bitter youth,
Escaped out of her crowd,
Or out of her black cloud.
Ah, dancer, ah, sweet dancer!

If strange men come from the house
To lead her away, do not say
That she is happy being crazy;
Lead them gently astray;
Let her finish her dance,
Let her finish her dance.
Ah, dancer, ah, sweet dancer!

very cool.

so listen to the maine.
and read that cool poem.
and check this sweet tat!
haha...

psh just keep telling me about gorgeous...fo real.

:D

if the fish swam out of the ocean

update:
today i feel better.
i don't know what it was. but i like it.
haha.
i'm so like happy and over stuff. i smile. by myself.
big deal.
:D

yeah so thanks for everyone being concerned and wondering what was up.
drama happened.
i spilled it.
it's over.
i'm good.
:D

ok so...in other news!

i went to church today. except today was different. it was the first sunday of the month so they do teen service like they used to do all the time. and i loved it again. i didn't sleep through it. i was shocked when rachel pulled out her phone and showed me the time. i didn't want it to end. i loved it again. fun stuff.
yay jesus.
haven't said that one in a while.
wow.

so i'm looking for something to do with my best friend now. because i love her. and she feeds me excessive amounts of magical foods that make me feel good.

ohhhh happy day.

:D

however invincible you imagine yourself to be you are wrong

some stupid kid just hit me. and my car. and she called my car stupid. and then she squirted me with water.
i hate that kid.
i don't even know that stupid kid.
uggggh.

i just got off work and it was dumb. like seriously pointless. except that i actually got tips. which is like a huge deal where i work because we don't do jack. ever. for real.

but then i went to deposit my check from my last week and a half of pointless work but it wouldn't except my check. stupid bank. i'm gonna load that stupid child up in my car to go hit that bank too. stupid kid. stupid bank.

anyway.

so given the side of town i was on i...uh...made a pit stop of sorts. whatever. i'm such a stupid girl. like seriously. ugh.
i don't know i guess i'm just dumb and i see things the way i want to see them and i obviously got way more into things and everything was just one sided or whatever. maybe i am just supid and deserved to get hit with that stick and called stupid. stupid kid.

and i don't know how to feel. am i mad? should i be mad? do i think he's just covering? for what? his expanse of manly emotions. yeah right. or am i just sad? sad as i've been since i found out. on the phone. stupid stupid stupid.

i feel stupid.

and i don't know how to feel.

perhaps i should reserve judgement for this evening.
but that leaves a whole day for me to just feel stupid.
and make my family think i'm feeling ten feet tall...

stupid.

as far as you know i might be better off alone

...but i don't believe it.

this sucks.
the end.
actually not.
that's really all i want to post for the world to see but on the other hand i completely just want to like spill my life and my drama and my absolute proof that i am still and teenager and in high school no matter how i try to be above all those fickle things.
this sucks.
i'm crying and it's like actually validated. rare.
except that i feel totally dorky and lame that i'm crying.
but this really sucks.
this was not supposed to end like this. we were supposed to have opportunity to make it work. this isn't fair. we were good. we deserved a shot. we were supposed to jump fences and feel infinite and we were supposed to watch garden state and we were supposed to play scattergories and we were supposed to try really hard to find winter constellations in the summer sky and we're supposed to work.
this isn't fair.
this sucks.

i just feel kinda empty.




sorry for being so dramatic.
i won't mean a word of it in the morning.
that's how it works right.....

i'm living, i'm learning, i'm hurting, i'm thinking all the time

i love when conclusions just like totally work. ahhhhhh.
haha so like the ending of my day was pretty great.
yesterday...not so much.
ew it like totally had potential but just didn't follow through.
you don't know it's your fault but you totally suck and i need you to grow up.
but whatever.

so i was inspired by an amazing friend of mine to just kinda read through old blogs and stuff and i'm sure it'd be fun but i think this thingy here is just to new and whatnot to be cool but i read through old ones i posted on myspace. the ones where you write to people but don't say who are like totally my favorite! and one reason they're my favorite is this...

"i love you. i love you more than you will ever know. remember that. remember i'm your one and only. remember you're a dancer - and you always will be. how could you not? you're my other self. remember you are the most amazing, incredible friend anyone could want. you give me so much. you have held me in so many ways. you never even knew it."
i snuck into the library for that....

perfection.
she knows who she is.
and you all know you're totally jealous of us.
:D

i totally want to write something like completely inspired and amazing right here right now in this little white box but i've got nothing...i hate that.

ok so the other day i was trying to consider a story of my own experience. kinda searching for a muse if you will. so one song lead to another and one memory led to another and i ended up listening to about rain on repeat and reading journals from eighth grade. oh that silly boy. so yeah that was just like crazy. i kinda love reminiscing like that but then again i kinda hate it because you think about that kid from way back when and parts of me like totally yearn to be her again and parts of me realize that i've grown up since then and that's a good thing and i think a severe improvement on lindsey as a person would be a nice culmination of eighth grade lindsey and present day rising senior about to about to enter the world lindsey. scary.
but i did end up writing a little note to future lindsey in there. just generically entering my thoughts as i did in the eighth grade. just so i would know and be able to remember and appreciate who this lindsey is. or was.


"i did no pull this glorious book from it's dustyplae on the shelf with an intention of committing my thoughts to its pages once again. no, tonight i was dancing. i stretched. i worked out. and then i begain searching to find the song perfect for my first attempts at truely expressive dancing. then i realized why the dancing wasn't there but there were so many songs. i needed a story. i needed to actually be expressing something so it would be easiest if i found a song that meant somthing to me and use that story or experience or what have you. i came first to " about rain" by sequoyah prep school.
william kincaid.
so i was laying in my floor trying to relive those years and i saw his eighth grade journal which eventually led to mine which led to less and less dancing but maybe i've started a project for myself.
so i'm a senior now. i have one more year of high school.i'm scared to death.i want to go to nyu more than a lot of other things but it would be nice to be a mere thirty minutes away from my best friend. my lifeline. and charleston's a good school with and dance program and anything else that i could do for the rest of my life and in-state tuition and lottery money scholarships. but it's new york... and what's more is i have no clue what i want to do with my life. i would love to be a choreographer but that's like completely ridiculous of me. like that's just foolish. or maybe a writer...same problem.
i love this journal. i miss it. just watching me hanging to by inches to towering over the rest of the world and everything in between. all the amazing quotes and prompts and some interesting and mature and eloquent responses that i've had.

inspiration."

so there.
haha if i can't find something inspired and fabulous to write tonight i'll just type up something i wrote when i was feeling inspired.
so there.

g'night.

cause you're not impressed but you're so polite

i have absolutely nothing to say.
no kidding.
i'm just bored and don't have anything to do and it's like 9 o'clock so...
yeah.
i didn't putty my hair today. just sorta straightened it and left.
it was kinda liberating to barely do anything to it and still be able to be seen in public.
ok so i was hoping that maybe something would kinda blossom out of rambling but i guess i just like really don't have anything to say...
oh wait! funny story...
i saw a woman buy a douche in the dollar tree today! i bought a jump rope that looks like a cow. :D

i can't believe i didn't say this sooooooooner.

so i'm at the beach.
yay.
but i leave tomorrow.
boo.
i think...
i think i hate home but i might be ready to get back there. not really ready to get home as in to my house but more like friends and movies and sleepovers and pools and dancing (oh god i miss dancing...) and stuff. so there's that.

i miss all of you.
see you soon.

you're a pretty color.

tonight i sat in the park. illegally.
tonight i went to the stadium. illegally.
at the stadium i stood on the field and looked at every inch of grass and and cold metal bleacher and remembered exactly where the podium went. and where the guard used to leave their flag bags. and where the floor went. and where i went. everywhere. where my memories lay just below the surface of what everyone else that looks at that field sees. i felt infinite. i had no end. no physical boundaries. i was infinite.
i made the right decision. i know it will be hard. it already has been. but it was right.
for the first time in a few days i feel ok again.
i hope it lasts.

days go by and still i think of you...

1:you rebound so much quicker than i know you want to. that's love. and it's so much more than i deserve. and i try to give it back. and no matter what i do to mess things up i know you know that. but just in case i ever mess things up really bad...I LOVE YOU.

2:ew like seriously get the crap off me. i know you think it's like your job and stuff to be like that but c'mon. let me breathe. you suck.

3:i don't want to be like you but i'm totally jealous of you. like it's bad. i want to be you. and i want to do everything i can to be so not you. and i keep telling myself that ya know like when you go off to college you can like start over and reinvent yourself and stuff and that i'll be more like you. but like a selective form of you. like me and you. it won't happen. don't worry.

4:i heard a song today. i thought of you. i messed with my new zune today. i thought of you. i breathed really deep and remembered that i'm still a bit sick. i thought of you. i closed my eyes. i thought of you. where's this coming from?

5:quit being stupid. you're being like dumb. i don't actually care in the long run. like seriously, i've lost no sleep. nor will i. i'm just saying. it's childish. let's talk.

6:butchyeah...i don't know about you these days haha. and i don't even know what connotation that was supposed to have. whatever. i love you.


i think that's all.
and i think i'm better.
one more doctor visit tomorrow and then school!
♥

and just walk away.

yeah my big plans of vitamin d and hanging out with friends never actually happened.
i felt like garbage again yesterday.
i hate this.

and even if i do ever get better (i've given up being optimistic about anything for the time being...) it won't matter because i don't have a car because my sister is taking it to clemson for the week. yeah. she'll be back in a week. i've put the last forty dollars worth of gas in that stupid car that she automatically gets whenever she needs it and i can have it if she's not using it. fair? i mean at least i have half a car and blah blah blah but don't judge me because i whine.

gosh i hate being sick. i just sleep. like all the time. i wake up occasionally to medicate. then sleep more. because at least i don't feel so crummy when i'm asleep. i don't really feel. that's ok. i don't know what i'm supposed to do about school at this point either. as much as i've given up on school already i do still have two exams. and i'll be back at the doctor on monday. and if my blood is still like unhealthy and stuff she's sending me to a "specialist". of what i'm not sure.
i'm just ready to be on the other side of this.

i might just go back to sleep.

rest your soul now

cause music saves your life

ya know i'm not quite as in love with music as i used to be but i heard this line in a gorgeous song and realized what truth it holds.

i know that doing the right thing isn't always easy. and it doesn't always feel that great. more often than not it may feel like it's harder to do the right thing.

i quit band this year.
i will never again march on a field to a drum tap or a drum major. it hurts. but it's liberating. i have two options for thinking about this. it can be like getting out an abusive relationship. it feels comfortable and normal so it hurts to get out of but then you realize how much better you are after it's over. or it's like doing drugs. the high feels amazing but it's a huge mistake. i'm gonna lean on the former for my own sanity.
i'm comfy with my decision.
i will dance.

i hate being sick. i miss stuff. i feel left out.
don't judge me. don't act like i'm faking crap. i'm not looking for attention. get over yourself.

i'm going to bed.
i intend to blister my skin under the sun's harmful rays tomorrow. then go watch the latin dance video. should be fun.
♥

countdown get a little crazy now

i'm supergirl

1:stop it. stop like smiling all huge and toothy and stuff haha because i so don't think it's cute and i know that in the back of my mind that's a lie. not that i like you or anything because i so don't. it's just cute. and i don't mind flirting. but lately i just can't be friends with a guy and i think i'm stupid for that but you just smile like all the time. stop it.

2:you're wierd. and i don't like you. you judge everybody. what gives you the right? you think i'm fat. and you have no clue what that does to me. you think it's just harmless little jokes right? that's what you think. you have no clue.

3:i'll miss you most. don't leave me. don't stop being the one that writes wang on stands and totally doesn't care about things you have more talent than i could grasp at....i love you. don't leave me.

4:don't hate me. i know you won't be outward about it to my face but i know you do. i feel like scum but i have to do this. i can't not do this because of you. and i have to do it. i don't know if you'll ever be there. it's an odd place and i wish i wasn't there. i wish i was always where i'd always pictured i'd be but you can't ever picture your life twisting the way it will. please trust that i know what i'm doing.

5:you're not nearly as beautiful as you used to be. i don't even know who you are anymore. i think you like it that way. that sucks. you've started doing that scoffy thing at me. and you don't dance. whatever.

i think that's all.
lovelovelove!

i fell asleep in a horrible state.

there are no words for this day.
only tears.
there are tears.