i'm living, i'm learning, i'm hurting, i'm thinking all the time

i love when conclusions just like totally work. ahhhhhh.
haha so like the ending of my day was pretty great.
yesterday...not so much.
ew it like totally had potential but just didn't follow through.
you don't know it's your fault but you totally suck and i need you to grow up.
but whatever.

so i was inspired by an amazing friend of mine to just kinda read through old blogs and stuff and i'm sure it'd be fun but i think this thingy here is just to new and whatnot to be cool but i read through old ones i posted on myspace. the ones where you write to people but don't say who are like totally my favorite! and one reason they're my favorite is this...

"i love you. i love you more than you will ever know. remember that. remember i'm your one and only. remember you're a dancer - and you always will be. how could you not? you're my other self. remember you are the most amazing, incredible friend anyone could want. you give me so much. you have held me in so many ways. you never even knew it."
i snuck into the library for that....

perfection.
she knows who she is.
and you all know you're totally jealous of us.
:D

i totally want to write something like completely inspired and amazing right here right now in this little white box but i've got nothing...i hate that.

ok so the other day i was trying to consider a story of my own experience. kinda searching for a muse if you will. so one song lead to another and one memory led to another and i ended up listening to about rain on repeat and reading journals from eighth grade. oh that silly boy. so yeah that was just like crazy. i kinda love reminiscing like that but then again i kinda hate it because you think about that kid from way back when and parts of me like totally yearn to be her again and parts of me realize that i've grown up since then and that's a good thing and i think a severe improvement on lindsey as a person would be a nice culmination of eighth grade lindsey and present day rising senior about to about to enter the world lindsey. scary.
but i did end up writing a little note to future lindsey in there. just generically entering my thoughts as i did in the eighth grade. just so i would know and be able to remember and appreciate who this lindsey is. or was.


"i did no pull this glorious book from it's dustyplae on the shelf with an intention of committing my thoughts to its pages once again. no, tonight i was dancing. i stretched. i worked out. and then i begain searching to find the song perfect for my first attempts at truely expressive dancing. then i realized why the dancing wasn't there but there were so many songs. i needed a story. i needed to actually be expressing something so it would be easiest if i found a song that meant somthing to me and use that story or experience or what have you. i came first to " about rain" by sequoyah prep school.
william kincaid.
so i was laying in my floor trying to relive those years and i saw his eighth grade journal which eventually led to mine which led to less and less dancing but maybe i've started a project for myself.
so i'm a senior now. i have one more year of high school.i'm scared to death.i want to go to nyu more than a lot of other things but it would be nice to be a mere thirty minutes away from my best friend. my lifeline. and charleston's a good school with and dance program and anything else that i could do for the rest of my life and in-state tuition and lottery money scholarships. but it's new york... and what's more is i have no clue what i want to do with my life. i would love to be a choreographer but that's like completely ridiculous of me. like that's just foolish. or maybe a writer...same problem.
i love this journal. i miss it. just watching me hanging to by inches to towering over the rest of the world and everything in between. all the amazing quotes and prompts and some interesting and mature and eloquent responses that i've had.

inspiration."

so there.
haha if i can't find something inspired and fabulous to write tonight i'll just type up something i wrote when i was feeling inspired.
so there.

g'night.

cause you're not impressed but you're so polite

i have absolutely nothing to say.
no kidding.
i'm just bored and don't have anything to do and it's like 9 o'clock so...
yeah.
i didn't putty my hair today. just sorta straightened it and left.
it was kinda liberating to barely do anything to it and still be able to be seen in public.
ok so i was hoping that maybe something would kinda blossom out of rambling but i guess i just like really don't have anything to say...
oh wait! funny story...
i saw a woman buy a douche in the dollar tree today! i bought a jump rope that looks like a cow. :D

i can't believe i didn't say this sooooooooner.

so i'm at the beach.
yay.
but i leave tomorrow.
boo.
i think...
i think i hate home but i might be ready to get back there. not really ready to get home as in to my house but more like friends and movies and sleepovers and pools and dancing (oh god i miss dancing...) and stuff. so there's that.

i miss all of you.
see you soon.

you're a pretty color.

tonight i sat in the park. illegally.
tonight i went to the stadium. illegally.
at the stadium i stood on the field and looked at every inch of grass and and cold metal bleacher and remembered exactly where the podium went. and where the guard used to leave their flag bags. and where the floor went. and where i went. everywhere. where my memories lay just below the surface of what everyone else that looks at that field sees. i felt infinite. i had no end. no physical boundaries. i was infinite.
i made the right decision. i know it will be hard. it already has been. but it was right.
for the first time in a few days i feel ok again.
i hope it lasts.

days go by and still i think of you...

1:you rebound so much quicker than i know you want to. that's love. and it's so much more than i deserve. and i try to give it back. and no matter what i do to mess things up i know you know that. but just in case i ever mess things up really bad...I LOVE YOU.

2:ew like seriously get the crap off me. i know you think it's like your job and stuff to be like that but c'mon. let me breathe. you suck.

3:i don't want to be like you but i'm totally jealous of you. like it's bad. i want to be you. and i want to do everything i can to be so not you. and i keep telling myself that ya know like when you go off to college you can like start over and reinvent yourself and stuff and that i'll be more like you. but like a selective form of you. like me and you. it won't happen. don't worry.

4:i heard a song today. i thought of you. i messed with my new zune today. i thought of you. i breathed really deep and remembered that i'm still a bit sick. i thought of you. i closed my eyes. i thought of you. where's this coming from?

5:quit being stupid. you're being like dumb. i don't actually care in the long run. like seriously, i've lost no sleep. nor will i. i'm just saying. it's childish. let's talk.

6:butchyeah...i don't know about you these days haha. and i don't even know what connotation that was supposed to have. whatever. i love you.


i think that's all.
and i think i'm better.
one more doctor visit tomorrow and then school!
♥

and just walk away.

yeah my big plans of vitamin d and hanging out with friends never actually happened.
i felt like garbage again yesterday.
i hate this.

and even if i do ever get better (i've given up being optimistic about anything for the time being...) it won't matter because i don't have a car because my sister is taking it to clemson for the week. yeah. she'll be back in a week. i've put the last forty dollars worth of gas in that stupid car that she automatically gets whenever she needs it and i can have it if she's not using it. fair? i mean at least i have half a car and blah blah blah but don't judge me because i whine.

gosh i hate being sick. i just sleep. like all the time. i wake up occasionally to medicate. then sleep more. because at least i don't feel so crummy when i'm asleep. i don't really feel. that's ok. i don't know what i'm supposed to do about school at this point either. as much as i've given up on school already i do still have two exams. and i'll be back at the doctor on monday. and if my blood is still like unhealthy and stuff she's sending me to a "specialist". of what i'm not sure.
i'm just ready to be on the other side of this.

i might just go back to sleep.