rest your soul now

cause music saves your life

ya know i'm not quite as in love with music as i used to be but i heard this line in a gorgeous song and realized what truth it holds.

i know that doing the right thing isn't always easy. and it doesn't always feel that great. more often than not it may feel like it's harder to do the right thing.

i quit band this year.
i will never again march on a field to a drum tap or a drum major. it hurts. but it's liberating. i have two options for thinking about this. it can be like getting out an abusive relationship. it feels comfortable and normal so it hurts to get out of but then you realize how much better you are after it's over. or it's like doing drugs. the high feels amazing but it's a huge mistake. i'm gonna lean on the former for my own sanity.
i'm comfy with my decision.
i will dance.

i hate being sick. i miss stuff. i feel left out.
don't judge me. don't act like i'm faking crap. i'm not looking for attention. get over yourself.

i'm going to bed.
i intend to blister my skin under the sun's harmful rays tomorrow. then go watch the latin dance video. should be fun.
♥

countdown get a little crazy now

i'm supergirl

1:stop it. stop like smiling all huge and toothy and stuff haha because i so don't think it's cute and i know that in the back of my mind that's a lie. not that i like you or anything because i so don't. it's just cute. and i don't mind flirting. but lately i just can't be friends with a guy and i think i'm stupid for that but you just smile like all the time. stop it.

2:you're wierd. and i don't like you. you judge everybody. what gives you the right? you think i'm fat. and you have no clue what that does to me. you think it's just harmless little jokes right? that's what you think. you have no clue.

3:i'll miss you most. don't leave me. don't stop being the one that writes wang on stands and totally doesn't care about things you have more talent than i could grasp at....i love you. don't leave me.

4:don't hate me. i know you won't be outward about it to my face but i know you do. i feel like scum but i have to do this. i can't not do this because of you. and i have to do it. i don't know if you'll ever be there. it's an odd place and i wish i wasn't there. i wish i was always where i'd always pictured i'd be but you can't ever picture your life twisting the way it will. please trust that i know what i'm doing.

5:you're not nearly as beautiful as you used to be. i don't even know who you are anymore. i think you like it that way. that sucks. you've started doing that scoffy thing at me. and you don't dance. whatever.

i think that's all.
lovelovelove!

i fell asleep in a horrible state.

there are no words for this day.
only tears.
there are tears.

maybe things will get better or change with the weather

i think topsy-turvy is the word i'm looking for.
just that everything you do something changes and you sorta get used to but then you step back and you realize that you don't remember which way is up.
it feels more and more like summer with every second. and i guess because we are creatures of habit, i have fallen back into that stupid spring-time almost no more school trap. and i hate it. or maybe i just wish i hated it. and honestly i'm pretty confident that the latter hold more merit. so for the moment i'm embracing it and listening to sequoyah prep school. i can be quite the masochist now can't i...

i have to go to work in three hours. and i have to take a stupid test on the stupid menu. maybe i'll just fail. it's a thought. but i couldn't let myself. i'm such a sucker sometimes.

lately i have found that with both feet on the ground i'm still losing my mind at least one day at a time.
(one day at a time - sequoyah prep school)

you were the best thing summer gave me

better than silence and no school

i'm done with all this.
i need something.
and that's frustrating because it's never easy to put your finger on.
so i just end up being stupid to try and make up for it.
and people just need to all mean what they say.
it's just too much to try and remember what it was you said and then try to decide if that's what you meant or that's all changed now.
it's not fair.

oh for the love of god...

g'night.
because i'm a grandma.

no, i'm not fit to wear that hat today

i took the SAT today.
well the subject tests.
that was pretty much a wake up call. two big tests on history and chemistry. kinda a foreshadowing for my week. i'm gonna do terribly.
but the sun is out.
and i think that's making it worse but it's just so magnificent.
it may be killing my work ethic but things might've been worse had the sun not come out soon.
i've been trying to look for the good in things.
generally there is some.
that's comforting.

i need one of those carefree picnic liberation days.
:D

i think i'm ok.