trying to keep a level head.

i don't understand how so much is happening at one time. at what point does it just get to be too much for the universe to contain. when are too many events occuring all in the same moment?

i think that's where i am.
i just wish the universe would realize that and back me up a little, ya know?

and it's not just all the physical whatever. yeah, that sucks but i can deal with it. i always do. i carry on. i can organize performances and set up field trips and set up and run rehearsals and stay up until all hours of the morning choreographing and fix stuff that looked like crap becasue i choreographed it under the same conditions for my senior project, and still keep up with my classes (which i'm not currently "keeping up with" to be honest), and rehearse with guard and learn my music and because i suck and "i don't deserve to go to carnegie hall". it's all physical. the part that really sucks is that on top of all that i can't seem to get my head straight. i make poor decisions, i keep thinking on one such particular subject that i can't seem to avoid, and that gets me wondering if it's such a bad subject after all, then i realize how often i set myself up to get hurt like that, so there's another such particular subject that i think i think of higher than reality would prove accurate, also setting myself up for devastation. and i tend to overanalyze my entire world. it doesn't help at all.

all at once.
i need something. i'm sure what.
maybe a particular subject.
surely not. that would make me think more.
feel more.
i'm avoiding that these days.

i press on.

you sing to my soul oh you break me oh you break me.

oooooooooooooooooooooo.
oh.
what a weekend.
and it's not over.
i'm smiling.

oddly enough i guess for one reason it's just that i'm not strong enough not to smile about it but that's wierd and complicated and smiling is this strange newness for me lately so i'm just gonna ignore that (however foolish it may be) and enjoy this springyness. oh.

so on to less cryptic matters.
we had a competition on saturday and all three groups got first place. so yay! i love performing. i can't say i love guard girls to death but the bus rides were fabulous. we made noise and tried not to laugh during the five minutes of silence that we enforce like it were the law during band season. and we screamed. and we danced like black people. and we squirted squeezy cheese on people. and we made lots of noise and then swore we'd just woken up. and courtney gave me alleve against her own judgement thinking i would die after taking four. haha. i swear those percussion kids are my salvation! especially since mr pace isn't there to play history trivia flashcards with us when we really just want to go to sleep but we'll give him that luxury because he's just as out of place as we were. more so. ok well maybe not because half the time i didn't even have my spencer with me so it was just like us. against the world. or at least the colorguard. same thing i guess.

it's all the same i suppose.

all in all,
i'm refreshed.
even if it is against my own best judgement.
it worked for courtney.
so there's hope.

me with my lemon ice with strawberries and her with her brownie frappe.

i don't actually have anything to say. surely i have many things to dance or sing or play but none that i can seem to compose into text. i have so much that i want to say. and i've started. i know it's going to take time but it also needs to be done quickly before it evaporates. a connundrum. i'm not sure i can do it right now though. maybe that's ok. but maybe not. with so much expression needing to happen why can't i write? maybe if i listened to happier music i wouldn't feel so obligated to be deep in thought and feel all afflicted with emotion and other such depressing things but right now all the depressing music just seems so appropriate. maybe it's just that folksy acoustic depression that keeps me going from day to day and maybe i'm not ok with that all the time but maybe i just get distracted on all the other days. i get too busy during the summer cleaning incessantly or doing laundry or reading out of order or other such menial tasks. i get too busy during school with band all the time and dancing the rest of the time and still trying to keep up at least somewhat with my studies and other such important tasks all at once. and i suppose you can't get to be like this and wind up in such a state without having doomed yourself to such an existance long before but it was not my design to end up like this. crying. sweating. bleeding. sore. sick. tired. this was never my intention.

i suppose the truth of the matter is that i just don't deal with things. something happens. i don't deal with it immediately. i just put it away and pretend like it doesn't affect me at all and i'm strong and i can move on but do not let me fool you. i really just hide it and then every once in a while i will pull out a little chunk of it and be terribly sad. like i create drama for myself. it's pathetic. then again, maybe not. maybe i just don't have the strengh to deal with things. i guess that is pathetic.

thank you for putting up with me.

so there's that.

i'm having a lot of trouble with words. saturday started something. and it didn't stop for a long time. and it hurt. and it felt good. and i loved it. and i wish it'd never ended. and i want to go sit on a pile of dirt with some music and a hoodie and maybe it'll just kinda pick up where it left off. it won't. i'm not saying it'll never happen again. but you just don't ask them to. they pick and choose. you don't get to choose the day your life changes forever. i guess i'm grateful for that. i wouldn't be able to choose. so i'm glad i didn't. but i'm even more glad that it happened.
my life changed.
and i wore the same pair of jeans for three days.

blame it on this southern weather.

i really needed a rehearsal today. obvious reasons. not so obvious ones too. we've got performances coming up and i so hate not being ready and i'm really worried about where we are. we're so behind. and dance makes me forget stuff. i know it hurts just as bad after practice when the world crashes down on you but still i'm such a weenie that every little bit helps. i love dancing. i stayed up until midnight last night finishing a dance because even though i was exhausted i knew that i didn't wanna have to stand up on that stage afterschool with nothing to teach. thanks so much. really i mean it.
eventually i'll get used to it.
i hope.

plucking petals.

starting a new blog got me exploring old ones. blogs are so awkward to start. so i went back to the original. xanga. i never deleted mine. it's still there. just sitting. all of my thoughts just kinda taking up space. i'd like to keep it that way.
but i started my xanga with a survey thing. don't judge me i was a fetus.
one part of the survey was listing eleven memories.
mine were:
running into a brick wall, being told kayla died, learning to play spoons, the summer pop died, the snow storm that one winter, my cruise, camp, meeting alex and playing in the dirt, my first day of middle school, that halloween party, and cleaning nana's attic with lauren and tori.
wow.
some of those things i didn't even remember until i read that. some of them don't mean a thing to me anymore. i guess things change before you even realize it. or want it.

so now that i guess the ice is broken.

i was thinking. i think i have reason enough that i should be happy.
i just forget that.
mostly because it's a hard thing to remember.

i suppose it's ok to forget sometimes. it's just getting back to the point where you can see throught the pain to remember again that's the trick.