i was the one who would always jump in first

"what makes carbon atoms form a benzene ring? proximity and valence electrons:

how appropriate right!
i think we're all just carbon atoms.
and we form a benzene rings within close proximity and some opportunity,
see the thing about valence electrons is it's like they always have to be in pairs i mean not always like it's possible for them to not be together but they just have this need to fulfill that they have a buddy there with them. so what about the ones that are all by their lonesome? well they find other compounds with electrons that are all on their lonesome and they like connect and the two that become each others's buddies like connect and form a bond that holds two totally different compounds together.
is that not like insane?
i mean i've been learning this crap forever so i don't know why it suddenly struck me...
but i think it's a pretty blatent metaphore for human nature and relationships and stuff ya know...
like single people just kinda floatin around lookin for a buddy and they can connect these two crazy different world because they fit perfectly right beside you like no matter how different that entire compound behind you can be, you fit.

so all we need is proximity and valence electrons.

your love is extravagant

so i had a fantastic night last night. fantastic.
it got me thinking...
a lot of the night was about honesty which i think is a crazy thing because it's so hard sometimes. like why is it just natural and easier to lie about some stuff? even to people you know will love you either way. even to yourself. like if you argue that it's for fear of rejection well ok then why is sometimes hard to admit things even to yourself? riddle me that...
your love is extravagant....
i mean if you think about that i think it's probably guilt or shame for whatever it was ya know that makes it hard to admit to yourself. so keep that in mind when you consider that god sees everything and knows what's going on and he loves you past all that crap and it's hard to get stuff out and admit it to him even though as soon as you ask him for forgiveness he just casts it away and is like i don't even know what you're talking about. all i see is my daughter.
so why's it so hard?
honesty.

freezing speech bubbles seem to hold your words aloft

so i'm home alone this weekend. usually it's home alone means me and lauren and whoever she may be dating at the time but she's off with "whoever she's dating" so home alone means at home. alone. by myself.
i'm really not the party type. i mean that's not to say that we didn't have a fun little slumber party last night but my parents knew and i'm not the type to do crap that my parents wouldn't be ok with anyway so there's that.
i think you probably get to know yourself better the more time you spend alone. not that i condone this for extended periods of time i'm just saying. i mean having to fill your time and deciding how to fill it i think is pretty indicitive of who you are. do you invite friends over all the time and have to be accompanied all the time? are you dependent on other people? do you listen to music that you know puts you in a lame mood and read by the fire? what does that say about you? i don't know but i think it says something.
another thing i've discovered is my connundrum with the lights. off? on? i don't know. i prefer the dark. most of the time i will turn the light off. but when there isn't a necessity for light and they're all off all of the time and the sun fades into the trees and all there is is the drowning darkness...should i flick on a lamp? it's strange because that darkness is always there. there's never enough light to make you comfy again but when suddenly there is, it's too much and you have to turn the light off. and one light in particular. the front porch light. why do i feel so much better when that light's on? i can't see it most of the time. if i go up the front stairs and pass the front door i notice the soft glow through the dirty sidelight glass but what comfort should that offer? why would i feel better?
my connundrum with the lights.

so whatever it may say about me, i'm going to sit by the fire and read and drink some coffee with the front porch light on.

blood and tears, they were here first

new poem dance!
and a poem i didn't write but someone amazing did...

i am driven
not single-minded, obsessive driven
not starving or throwing up driven
not stepping on the people that love me driven
i am a "giving up what's comfortable" driven
a pushing myself past tired driven
a never stop working to get there driven
a driven that's made me stronger

i actually really like the choreography that i put to this one too! i'll show ya if you ask because i'm proud of the work i do!

and this one's not mine...

dance with me...
feel my flesh and
smell my skin...not
through
the metal screen
but through
blood, bone, soul,
and spirit...
do you know me???

my eyes tell you
everything
but you choose
to just see me
through the
applause...

i am not my work...i
am merely a chosen
vessel...
i am...

dance with me
forever!

-mia michaels



<3

i need a winn dixie grocery bag full of money right now to the vip section

new poem! haha i'm not just in a wierd poem mood that's just what we're writing in dance class right now.
so for this assignment we had to write a poem about ourselves and choreograph to the poem and dance it while we recited our poems.
i ended up forgetting part of mine and freezing in the middle and while i was trying to recover everybody started clapping so i was just like ok then. i'm done. haha. it was a pretty great experience though.
here goes.

i am searching
i am searching for my place in the world
where do i fit?
i am searching for the beat to drive my song
i am a musician
i am searching to see where i will end up
where will these choices take me
i am searching to stay afloat
stressed and overwhelmed
i am seaching
i am searching to be as strong as i act
abandon my facade
i am searching for my eternal relationship
never close enough to God
i am searching to inspire someone
make an impact
i am searching to be the person i've always known i am
honestly myself
i am searching

haha so it was that one "i am searching" in the middle where i stopped dancing which sucks because i liked the stuff i had for the second half but whatever. haha if you wanna see my poem dance lemme know. and don't laugh ha.

:D

it's never as easy as we believe

you.
you always knew that perfect organization
for all those thoughts swirling in your head
mine just jumbled together
but you loved me
you loved me enough to hold my hand
through the jumble
through the pain
but mostly
through the time
and then again
from time to time
you look at me one more time
they say that sometimes a lifetime
can flash before your eyes
when your eyes meet mine
it's everything that we ever were
and everything we were supposed to be
you jumble my thoughts all over again
through the time
through the pain
but mostly
through the jumble
are you still holding my hand?

sorry guys. haha but for my dance class at school we keep a journal so i've been writing through some old stuff ya know so this was my subject for tonight and i think for the subject matter something other than my typical prose is way more appropriate and the theme of the class is pretty much finding other mediums of expression so hey give it a shot. but whatever that's what i've got.
oh ps. don't worry guys i'm good i swear haha sometimes i write really dramatic stuff and i think people worry. but trust me i'm good!

happy labor day.

10 feet under and upside down.

jesus, you make me feel like that.

how long have I

been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I'd see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and everything will be alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water

you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

everything's alright